Two Asshole Boyfriends

So I’ve just been through the wringer again with TWO horrible boyfriends. Jesus Christ, I wish I were a lesbian.

Here’s what happened: I met this guy online through one of those dating websites. I always thought those things were crap, but I thought what the hell? So I met this guy, and we went to dinner. He called, so I of course didn’t offer to pay. Well, we had an okay time, I guess. Actually, I wasn’t all that into him. But I didn’t have anything better to do the following Friday evening when he called, so I said sure, I’d go out with him again. I asked him if we could go to this new place downtown I’ve been wanting to try. It’s a little expensive, but you gotta live a little, right?

So we have dinner again. He pays, of course. That’s one aspect of women’s oppression that I hope we don’t lose. After all, being a woman is so hard, I think we deserve to be treated on dates, don’t you?

Anyway, it wasn’t that great. More of the same. He’s some kind of engineer or something, and he was kind of boring to talk to. Plus he has a little bit of acne, which is just gross, and he has no muscles. I like a guy with muscles. Some girls don’t, but I do.

So then pretty much the same thing happens the NEXT week – we went to another fancy place I wanted to try, it was boring, but he paid, so it was okay. And as he’s dropping me off at my place, he leans over. Well, I could tell he was about to kiss me, so I just smacked him across the face as hard as I could. Horrified, I was about ready to scream rape. He asked me what the fuck I was doing, or somethingl like that, and I was all “What the fuck are YOU doing?” And he gave me some crap about how it was the third date, so we should kiss.


What the fuck? He buys me dinner, so now I OWE him something? What, a woman can’t be treated to dinner by a man anymore without him thinking about sex? I never said I would be giving him anything in “exchange” for dinner. I don’t owe him anything. As a woman, I can do whatever I want.

What a fucktard.

Anyway, so that was the last I saw of that fucking asshole. I was feeling depressed because I always seem to go out with these asshole potential date rapists. So I went to this dumpy bar to see if I could meet somebody normal. Finally I met this really hot guy named Troy. Yep, that was his real name. We hit it off, and I actually went back to his place that night, atlhough it’s very unlike me. By the time we got there, I just couldn’t help myself. I practically jumped on him and we had some absolutely amazing sex, especially considering it was our first time.

So I kept meeting up with Troy a couple times a week for a month or so, and we’d have incredible sex. Actually, when I was on my period, we just sat around and smoked some pot, which was pretty cool. But that was only once or twice.

Anyway, last week I find out that Troy is also sleeping with this other girl. What the FUCK???

So the next time I went to his place, I smacked him across the face as hard as I could. I was practically screaming in his face, I was so mad. And I demanded to know what the fuck he thought he was doing cheating on me.

Well, get this…he said he wasn’t “cheating” on me because we weren’t “a couple.” So I said, “Hey asshole, I let you put your dick in me.” And he was all, “What, so now I owe you something?” And he went off about how neither of us ever said anything about being committed to each other, and it’s not like he owes me something just because I LET HIM PUT HIS DICK IN ME.

Then he said, well, he let me have some of his pot, and that was reallly expensive. No. Fucking. Way. I had had it at this point, so I pushed his TV on the floor and I threw a glass at him. I was going to kick him in the nuts before I left, but I was afraid he might hit me.

I just feel so used. I’m going to call the date rape center, because I think this counts.

Gender-Equality, Feminist-style!

A few days ago, I gushed about my new favorite holiday spot.

But I’ve come-across a recent article which confirms my best suspicions: It seems that the Swedish government’s equality office is 90% female! What better way to ensure gender-balance than to entrust it to such a gender-balanced group? This is exactly what us feminists mean whenever we rant about “equality”:

The Swedish government’s unit for coordinating equality policies and distributing funding to equality organisations has come under fire for its own inequality: only 3 out of 28 employees are men.

“It’s not good. A more equal gender balance is important to show that they are serious about these issues,” said Eva Nikell at the Equality Ombudsman’s office, Jämo, to TT.

Whoa there Eva, back-up for a sec. “Not good”? What’s not good about it?

A department that is 90% female is already gender-balanced!

Look, when an organization is over 50% male it deserves an hour-long foot-stomping tirade on the sexism inherent in such an institution. But as soon as an organization has a disproportionate surplus of wymin among its staff, then gender-equality is no longer important.

We demand gender-parity, except for the places which already have a female-majority. That’s when the need for equality vanishes like magic. POOF!

And to extend the same femi-reasoning: a department which is 100% female would be the most balanced department you could ever find anywhere. It would deserve rapturous applause and acclaim for being so progressive on gender equality. Ahh, it brings a tingling sensation to my thighs just thinking about it.

Now I bet some fucking assholes out there (i.e.: men) might say I’m being a “hypocrite” about this, but there’s a perfectly reasonable excuse for why 25 of the 28 employees in this Swedish organization are wimmin:

Jens Orback, Sweden’s Minister for Equality… maintains that it’s hard to avoid, since there are not enough competent men coming forward when jobs are advertised.

You see? That’s a reasonable explanation. I buy it totally. Men are too stupid to understand what “equality” means. The expense of recruiting and training male employees for the job would be way too troublesome and costly perhaps. And they’d rape every womyn in sight anyway.

But don’t get me wrong: “a lack of competent applicants” would be bullshit if it was ever used to justify not hiring a female into a male-majority institution. The offending institution would be obligated to spare no expense to seek-out, encourage and advance females throughout its ranks regardless of how badly they might match the positions.

“Lack of qualified (female) applicants”! Hah! What a flimsy pretext. Establishing equality between the sexes is too important to not take drastic measures… when the right people can benefit, that is.

(Sigh! The mental acrobatics that feminism requires can often be tricky, but I somehow manage to perservere without my head hurting too much.)

Anyway, I am definitely hopping on the next plane to Stockholm as soon as I can. They understand how equality ought to be achieved: by only letting wimmin say how much equality is “enough”.

I Think I Found a New Vacation Destination

In Sweden, that wonderful nation of truth-tellers, the spunk and gumption-filled womyn’s movement there is totally unafraid to tell it like it is. “Men are Animals”:

A new graffiti has appeared on the streets of this city.

“Men are animals,” it says.

The slogan has become a symbol of a heated debate in this country over why full gender equality has not been achieved despite decades of legislation promoting it.

Absolutely! Whenever any statistical disparity exists between the sexes, the sole reason is that men are being their bestial, bastardly, oppressive selves and need to be harshly penalized, controlled and re-edumacated. It’s the opposite of whenever any statistical disparity happens to favor us females in a way that is beneficial to us. If that sort of inequality exists, equality between the sexes is no longer very important and there’s never any need to take action.

The “‘men are animals’ controversy,” as its known here, exploded onto the front pages of newspapers in May, after Ireen von Wachenfeldt, a government official who is one of Sweden’s best-known feminists, was featured in the Swedish Television documentary, “The Gender War.”

At the time, von Wachenfeldt was head of ROKS, the national network of shelters for abused women, which is a government institution. A reporter on the program noted that the organization had printed excerpts of the “SCUM Manifesto.”

IreenOh Ireen, we need more non-sexist honesty from activists like you and your organization.

If you haven’t read the SCUM Manifesto, I suggest you do so immediately. It’s quite liberating. Some people have exploited it to make anti-feminist propaganda, but the genocidal passages within the document are merely clever rhetorical flourishes which shouldn’t be taken too literally.

(True, its author (Valerie Solanas) once shot Andy Warhol and probably would’ve killed others had her gun not jammed. Some oversensitive folk might call that behavior “attempted murder”, but the patriarchy brainwashed poor Val into doing it so she didn’t deserve to be thown into that nasty prison. She was the real victim because the stupid soup-can hack Warhol deserved it anyway.)

But I digress. Back to Sweden:

“Man is an animal,” von Wachenfeldt said. “Don’t you think so?”

The documentary sparked fierce reactions across the country. Some women’s shelters have left the national network in protest, and von Wachenfeldt resigned in the midst of the controversy. But her remarks opened a national discussion on the topic of women’s equality.

What’s with all the furor? Was she telling too much truth? It’s high time that us righteous, badass wimmin stopped using such fucking polite language all the time. The womyn’s liberation movement has gotten way too contrite and mousey nowadays. It fucking pisses me off.

Furthermore, the phrase “Men are animals” is exactly the kind of bubble-headed, vapid caricature that us feminists need to squawk so often. Deprive us of bubble-headed, vapid caricatures and we’ll have almost nothing that we can talk about.

After the women’s liberation movement took off in the 1970s, the Swedish government passed laws mandating equality in every aspect of public life and even some aspects of private live. The government prohibited violence against women, required salary parity for men and women in similar jobs and gave men and women the right to equal parental leave. In the 1990s, Sweden’s government became the first in the world where half the ministers were women.

Still not good enough! In a truly equal society, womyn will always be able to get everything we want whenever we want it. Because, obviously, men always get everything they want whenever they want it. The entire universe is always responsive to all male desires, every male wish automatically gets granted. Males never have to deal with unfairness or disappointment or hardship or negative feelings of any type. Males (even the impoverished black ones) enjoy mountains of power and privilege while us white, suburban, upper-middle-class, college-educated womyn live lives of hardscrabble, threadbare degradation.

We won’t live in an equal society until every female complaint and irritation, no matter how small, is erased from the planet. And you can bet that I won’t ever keep my mouth shut until that wonderful day comes to pass.

[Rebecka] Edgren says many MEN feel particularly threatened because the demands now being made by feminists, such as requiring parents to take equal amounts of parental leave, will force them to make even more drastic changes to their lifestyle and career.

That’s very true. And feminists should not demand that we females make any inconvenient changes to our lifestyles because we’re already perfect by default. For instance, we need not enter hazardous or dirty male-dominated careers for the sake of statistical parity (ick!) We need not stop calling men nasty names. We need not stop expecting chivalrous treatment for ourselves whenever it’s convenient. We need not stop demanding our oppressors buy us diamonds and fur coats. Traditional female behavior doesn’t create any obstacles to further change; only male behavior ever contributes to social inequalities.

Suggesting otherwise would be blaming the victim.

After the “Gender War” documentary, von Wachenfeldt denied the assertion in the show that the government agencies dealing with women’s issues are dominated by radical feminists, and accused Rubar of taking her comments out of context.

What’s with the mealy-mouthed excuses, Ireen? There’s no need to be ashamed of your words. Men are animals. And us females are equal to them.

Except we’re not equal in any negative way.

As you can imagine, some fucking assholes out there think that this group of like-minded vagina-warriors are not necessarily the sweet voice of reason on every subject. Such as this mindless, self-hating Stepford Wife:

Hanne Kjoller wrote in one of her columns that “the group of feminists that [feminist sociologist Eva] Lundgren belongs to have an ideological and economic interest in portraying abuse of women as normal male behavior.”

Oh, what bullshit! Typical. Just typical. Just because these people support orgnizations whose economic interest lies in hyping the problems they claim to address does not mean they can’t be trusted to publish studies on the matter.

If you don’t believe that abuse of females is normal male behavior, then just check the statistics put-out by domestic-violence advocacy groups. They certainly don’t have a financial stake in exagerrating the problem. Lung-cancer studies from Marlboro are reliable, too.

Anyway, I’m gonna have my holdays in Sweden from now on. Radical, ass-kicking chicks like me can really learn a thing or two from them.

Ban Patriachal Pregnancy NOW!

I have just realized something that is utterly shocking, scary, and makes me want to kill. Kill men. Make that kill all da white men. Kill some latino men too, I guess, and some Asian men. On second thought, I think we need to kill all penis carriers.

As if all the violence against women in this country is not enough, science is progressing at such a rate that maybe women won’t be needed at all. Sisters, if you thought we had successfully infiltrated science in order to remove all logic and rationality from it so that it served only us, you might be wrong. I’m not totally sure of this yet, but something truly frightening occurred to me. Now, I have a headache and I’m not even trying to avoid sex with my stupid boyfriend.

You see, I put one plus one together and came up with two. Yes, yes … of course that is supposed to be three, but this time it added up to two!! I pray to Goddess that this is not true. Let me explain:

OK, first remember how we were all so excited about the artificial wombs that scientists are developing? (The complicated and hard to spell and remember word for artificial wombs is ectogenesis). These wombs could allow us to carry a baby naturally but without having our bodies savaged. The patriarchy wants our bodies to be savaged and destroyed while carrying their nasty little babies; traditional pregnancy is just another form of oppression. We thought that with these artificial wombs combined with cloning, we could have our babies on our own, or in wholesome lesbian couples and communes, and never have a need for patriarchal, penis carrying sperm factories again. Right?

Well, think again, sisters. Then I was reading one of those pseudo progressive city papers that pretend to care about the same causes we do, but then run ads for prostitutes. On the back of this paper, there were ads from fertility clinics offering to buy eggs from women!

(What woman would sell their eggs anyway? We need them so we can get pregnant because without our ability to get pregnant how can we generate hysteria about abortion rights? Plus, we need to have some children naturally of men because we need to make them pay child support! How can we live without tax-free child support?!)

Now, here is the first “one”: A man can use an artificial womb too. That’s right! There is no reason he can’t.

Here is the other “one”: This man could buy an egg from a fertility clinic! He could even shop for it, comparing pictures and features of women, just like he is shopping for a car.

Now, put those together and you get “two.” A man can have children without having one of us around to provide the egg and the womb. He doesn’t even have to wait for cloning! Or, maybe he is ugly and doesn’t want to be cloned! He could have a child using the egg of a beautiful woman! That means he won’t be buying any of our eggs!

As if that is not bad enough, think about this: Men could essentially loose all need for women like us. They could simply do deals with reasonable and attractive women. They could even only buy eggs from third world countries. We would not be able to use our vagina, our womb, and our eggs to trap a man into a life of hell. The sisterhood of feminists might actually die out!

Sisters, we must start complaining. We must not let this happen. The first step is to elect Hillary Rodham so that she can ban all importation of donor eggs. The second step is to ban all male use of ectogenesis.

When used by males, ectogenesis is another word for “violence against women.” We already have the Violence Against Women Act, so we can use it to ban patriarchal propagation through artificial wombs.

And, if all of that does not work, we must stop the violence by killing all of the penis carriers. It might be time for the Final Solution.

Parody Site!

Well, ladies, it appears we have a parody site. I accidentally typed instead of .org, and happened upon a true abomination of a website. I read through much of the website before I realized it was a parody. And that’s not proof of how stupid the real website is, so don’t think that.

Now, you know me. As a feminist, I’d be the first to laugh my ass of at a good joke about feminism. We, as feminists, need to be criticized and held accountable for our wrongdoings, and to be satirized to ensure that our movement is not corrupted by extremists and opportunists. Which is why I was thrilled at first to discover we had a parody site. I mean, nobody likes a good joke about feminism more than I do, except perhaps my brother and some of his friends.

Oh yes, and Captain Johnson.

Come to think of it, most people like a good joke about feminism more than I do, but that’s beside the point. The point is, I expected to be thorougly entertained and amused by this website, but much to my surprise, I found that the writing was not in any way witty, funny, or insightful. There is just nothing good I can say about it whatsoever. It’s stupid and it sucks. Plus it isn’t funny. I mean, really, you’d think they could come up with something better than “The so-called ‘Domestic Violence Victims Empowerment Act.’” It’s just bad writing with no good qualities at all.

And I’m not just saying that because they’re making fun of me.

But you know, as Ghandi said:
1. First they ignore you.
2. Then they laugh at you.
3. Then they fight you.
4. Then you win!

And hey, if Ghandi said it, that’s good enough for me. Now I know that whenever somebody thinks what I’m doing is silly, or stupid, or immoral that in fact I am right and they’re just going through the four stages of Ghandi. You know, kind of in the same way that the only reason a person would ever dislike you is because they’re jealous of you. (It’s true, I read that somewhere!) I’d say those MRA’s have already reached Stage 3!!! Our fight against sexism is succeeding!

Wait, if we’re fighting sexism, then does that mean WE’RE at Stage 3? And that the next step is that sexism is going to win? Hmm…

Anyway, I don’t know what these stupid MRA’s are complaining about. It has been conclusively proven that feminism, being pure and good, is completely immune to parody. There’s just nothing funny about it. Some people have suggested that this is because feminists have no sense of humor. Well, that’s not fucking funny.

Besides, feminists DO have a sense of humor. At F.U.C.K.Y.O.U. headquarters we have a poster in the hallway with a picture of an empowered-looking woman on it. The caption is this: “Where does a BITCH sleep? Anywhere she wants to!” It’s funny AND empowering! So don’t go saying we feminists can’t laugh at ourselves.

Anyway, since it’s inconceivable that it’s our opinions themselves these men dislike, the only possible explanation is that they don’t like it when women express their opinions in general. They’re just disagreeing with whatever we say because they don’t like women. And since we, being feminists, voice the unanimous opinion of the entire female population of the planet (except for the brainwashed ones who disagree with us), that means that they just don’t like hearing what women have to say. They’re just criticizing us to be mean, in much the same way that I always got bad grades in school because the teachers didn’t like me. And my boyfriend left me because he’s a jerk, not because of anything I did.

Didn’t you know? You’re supposed to get a man’s permission to express your opinion! That’s clearly what their point is!

For fun, I ran this stupid website through the regendering software and came up with the following very telling quote:

riverrun, past Eve’s and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.

It was then that I realized I had accidentally run it through the Finnegan’s Wake software. I made sure to run it through the actual regendering program and came up with this quote:

The former Nine O’Clock News presenter told the Radio Times: “Life is lived in accordance with men’s rules” and women are now merely “sperm donors”.

Oh hell no. As you can see, by regendering their website, we have revealed that they apparently believe women can donate sperm. They’re fucking stupid. If this quote doesn’t prove that it’s a man’s world, I don’t know what does.

Promoting the Campaign

Text of email sent to Kim Gandy, President of NOW:


Subject: Seeking Volunteers For New Gender-Parity Campaign

Dear Ms. Gandy,

We wish to inform you of a new gender-parity campaign for which Feministing is in the process of organizing volunteers.

Like the wider feminist community, we are deeply committed to ensuring equal representation of women in all spheres of public life. And we have special concern about recent events In Iraq and Afghanistan where dozens of suicide-bombings have been taking place every month. Although women are equally-capable of concealing powerful explosives under our clothes while walking across a crowded bazaar, we have represented well below 10% of those involved. This shocking disparity demonstrates that the recruitment process for kamikaze-style attacks is gender-biased and denies women their fair share. That is why Feministing has set an ambitious goal: we hope to promote gender-parity for suicide-bombings by the year 2011.

Commendably, dozens of ground-breaking women in Chechnya, Sri Lanka and the West Bank have made significant progress but the level of their efforts has not been enough to achieve fully equal participation. Far worse is the situation in the so-called “advanced” western world where almost nothing is being done to inspire and nurture the next generation of female suicide-bombers.

In order to prevent women from being shut-out and shortchanged, we have a number of exciting ideas for the medium-term future: “Tape Your Daughter To Grenades Day” in participating public schools. Organizations on university campuses dedicated to seeking-out and mentoring the best female candidates. Federal grants to teach women vital skills like jury-rigging electrical wiring, how to make rapid-reactants from household chemicals, and how to evade airport security.

Our plans require a lot of dedicated volunteers and we can’t do it without you. By now, you’re probably interested enough to ask “What can I do to help?”

The answer is simple enough: take it upon yourself to demonstrate that being a suicide-bomber is a feasible career-option and the “cool” thing for women to do. Most convenient of all, you’ll only need to do it once. We also ask that you kindly forward this message to every feminist who wishes women to be equally-represented in all fields. This will give her a great opportunity to prove how serious she really is.

We hope to one day see a world in which women feel equally free to detonate a backpack full of plastique while riding a packed subway train. Won’t you join our campaign? It’ll be a blast!
Amynda Maggotte

To learn more, visit:
“We’re in our twenties and we’ve been oppressed for thousands of years!”

Why Bother With Mere Equality When Ekwalitee™ is So Much Better?

As you are all aware, us feminists love equality so very much.

The feminist brand of equality is SO wonderful, it could actually be considered New and Improved Equality.

Hey, maybe it deserves to have a special brand-name? Something like… Ekwalitee™!

Yeah, that looks pretty cool.

Also wonderful is that there are so many situations out there in which Ekwalitee™ is present. For instance, The Los Angeles Marathon will start on March 19th, and here is the best thing about it:

The Sunday, March 19 event will once again include the newly-named Banco Popular Challenge, in which the professional women will be given a head start over the professional men

That’s right! Us womyn are just as good as men, which is why we must be given a head start. We’re just as strong, which is why we must be treated as if we are weaker.

You know, the only thing us feminists ever ask for is a level playing field for womyn. A playing field where no one gets an advantage which is conferred on the basis of sex. That’s why we hardly ever protest a situation in which the playing field is wantonly slanted in womyn’s favor. Because we love Ekwalitee™ so much.

Remember when you were in kindergarten and boys would win a game too many times? Remember how the teacher would trundle over, wag her finger and scold them with guilt-based admonishments like: “Let the girls win!” or “Let the girls go first!” Remember how that worked?

Just think of modern feminism as a really BIG schoolmarm. A hundred-foot-tall finger-wagging headmistress who continually hectors everyone with reminders of “Let the girls win!” and “Let the girls go first!”

Because girls need lots and lots of Ekwalitee™!

In fact, us feminists are constantly ready to argue that womyn should be given head starts, extra points, less-stringent standards, special exemptions from rules, special assistance, special programs, special bonuses, unlimited second chances and much much more. We also demand that womyn be be protected from humiliating defeats at the hands of men while we simultaneously celebrate any humiliating defeat inflicted upon men.

We consider it unfair and immoral whenever any system doesn’t let womyn emerge victorious 50% of the time. Systems in which womyn win more than 50% of the time are de facto fair and just.

For Ekwalitee™ is what it’s all about, honey. Isn’t that splendid?

Sadly, Ekwalitee™ doesn’t always get applied as much as it ought to be:

As proof of the excitement that the Banco Popular Challenge brings to the race, in 2005 [Mr.] Saina passed [Ms.] Denisova in the 26th mile after she was awarded a 15 minute and 50 second head start.

Despite giving her more than a 15 minute head start, she still didn’t come in first place. Grrr! Do you know what that means, my systyrs? There wasn’t enough Ekwalitee™ in that competition.

It’s very clear what must be done: in order to enter the Banco Popular Challenge, the men should all be required to wear blindfolds.

Because if a womyn runs in tight shorts, her male competitors will stare at her jiggling buttocks. All of those leering male eyes will create a hostile environment which will prevent pitiably vulnerable womyn from winning their fair share. Blindfolding the male runners will result in a truly Ekwal™ competition and make it so that the womyn can have an Ekwal™ chance to emerge victorious.

And if that doesn’t do the trick, then maybe mens’ ankles ought to have 30-kilogram weights strapped to them?

Us feminists ultimately yearn for a world of Ekwalitee™ in which every womyn can enjoy the hollow feeling of accomplishment that comes with winning a rigged game.

Always remember Ekwalitee™ my systyrs. Accept no substitutes!

I Am A Master Debater

Last Friday, I was a featured participant in a debate during my university’s New Student Days. I shared the auditorium stage with some pathetic loser who didn’t stand a chance. And you’d better believe that I made mincemeat out of his pimply ass.

Who doesn’t love a good debate on gender politics? Below, you can see a great example of the late Andrea Dworkin in her prime. She’s matching wits with Alan Dershowitz in a 1982 discussion on the censorship of pornography.


Smackdown! Censorship wins!

And here’s how it went with me last week:

September 1, 2006
Debate Title: “The Nature of Woman”

Dr. Smythe: (Taps microphone) Good afternoon. I’d like to introduce myself. I’m Dr. Lillian Smythe, faculty advisor to the two student philosophy clubs. I trust you’ve all just come from a pleasant lunch?

Audience: (Polite murmurs, distant cries of “can’t hear!”)

Dr. Smythe: (Taps microphone again) Better? Ahem.

Audience: (Distant cries of “okay!”)

Dr. Smythe: All right. (Laughs politely) Seven years ago, student orientation began the custom of introducing our newcomers to a spirited academic debate on pertinent issues of the day. (Smiles) Like a sorbet to cleanse the palate of all the fun you’ve had over the summer.

Audience: (Scattered chuckles, distant cries of “not funny!”)

Dr. Smythe: Occupying the stool on my right (gestures) is Mr. Greg Vaughn, president of the Student Philosophy Society.

Audience: (Weak applause)

Greg: (Smiles, takes his mike.) Thank you very much. I’ve been looking forward to this for quite a while.

Dr. Smythe: On my left (gestures) is Ms. Amynda Maggotte, of the Womyn’s Phylysyphy Room.

Audience: (Weak applause)

Amynda: (Takes her mike) Thank you, Dr. Smythe. (Smiles broadly) I’ve also been looking forward to this. Seeing as how I kicked the boys’ asses last year.

Audience: (Scattered laughter)

Dr. Smythe: Quite. So, let us all sit back and enjoy the discussion. (exits the stage)

Greg: (Takes the microphone, addresses the audience) Good afternoon to everyone. Ms. Maggotte won the debate last year, so it’s up to the other side to pick the present topic. So why did I choose “The Nature of Woman”? Why this topic?

Twelve months ago, Ms. Maggotte used a very interesting closing argument which serves as our starting point. She was asked how she can take the stance that a female who murders somebody else is just copying the “masculine violence model” which has been created by men. She responded with: (glances at a slip of paper) “Men are granted so much social power that they define the gender roles for themselves and for women”.

(Puts the paper back in his pocket.) That’s an interesting statement. And if it is true, it can only be concluded that everything good about women is because men have made them that way. Therefore, men deserve all credit and all thanks for anything good to ever come from a woman. All women’s achievements, big or small, ultimately come from women being programmed by men. (Chuckle)

So here is the question I’d like to ask Ms. Maggotte: what things are natural about women and what things aren’t?

Amynda: (Sneers at Greg) Well, someone certainly thinks he’s very fucking clever. It’s always so cute when a boy thinks he’s made a point.

(Straightens her hair and raises her voice) The question you’re asking is bullshit. You don’t have to think very far to see that talking about innate sexual differences is just a slippery slope down to saying that women ought to be shoved back into the home, barefoot and pregnant.

Greg: Yes, that’s exactly my point. If you say that a woman who murders isn’t genuinely being a woman, how do you manage to weasel-out from going down that slippery slope?

Audience: (murmurs)

Amynda: Here is why, you pig. This all began in ancient (makes air-quotes) “his”tory. Back before any written records or archaeological proof. Ahem.

(Gestures grandly) Ever since men figured-out that they needed women’s wombs to reproduce copies of their darling selves, they’ve sequestered women away into caves and huts where other men can’t get them. Out of sight, out of mind, out of moral dilemmas and, unavoidably, out of murderous situations as well.

Furthermore, men didn’t want women out there in the world because they don’t want them getting anything on their own. Or even fighting back. Men like everything to come from themselves, in return for female submission. Sexual submission. This is how men created the gender roles from the beginning of time.

Greg: Ah, so everything good about the female role comes from men. Men are your creators. As far as I can reckon, that’s where your own logic goes.

Amynda: Yes, that is as far as you can reckon. (Laughs) No, the real point is that it’s vital to reject traditional femininity, the part that men have created. All the tittering and submissiveness. And all the nurturing maternity stuff. Those are the “special” parts of us that men have created as an excuse to keep us locked-away and enslaved.

Greg: So men created maternal sympathy?

Amynda: That was part of the package. All the earth-mother crap about how women were created to give birth and protect their little boys, no matter how old they are, is a male fabrication. And if a woman ever feels like doing something for herself, on her own terms, she’s crazy.

Greg: All right then. (Gestures to audience) So now we’ve established that femininity, with its cults of prettiness and passivity and maternal nurturance, is a male fabrication. So please tell me what women are, not what they are not.

Amynda: (Twirls hair) Could you repeat the question? (Simper) My stupid female brain doesn’t understand…

Audience: (Giggles in gallery)

Greg: Very funny. I’m trying to define a few terms here. How can I define the half of humanity to which you belong when you just sit there and tell me that whatever term I use is wrong?

Amynda: (Twirls hair) My stupid fwuffy widdle bwain… (giggles) You’re too smart for me, you big MAN you.

Audience: (Chuckles in gallery)

Greg: (Shaking head and sighing) How about I call you ‘Vagino-Americans’?

Amynda: (Bares teeth, getting annoyed) “Woman” will do!

Greg: Fine. Now as for the part of woman which hasn’t been made by men, what is it? Is there such a thing? Is there anything in female nature that isn’t the work of patriarchy? Are women, by nature, empty zombies who get filled-up by male programming? What is the uncontaminated part of woman? The essence, the part that men have managed to suppress. What is it?

Amynda: Well, aren’t we the little Aristotle? Why are you men are so frenzied to brand everything with a label?

Greg: (On the verge of losing his temper) Just give it a name! What do I call it??

Amynda: My my, you’re getting all worked-up! (Smirks) You men really have problems controlling yourselves. (Giggles) If you insist on a name, call it “womanhood”.

Greg: Fine. So what are the distinguishing features of womanhood? I mean, when you define manhood, you say brutality or bossiness or something. So what’s womanhood? Non-brutality? Non-bossiness?

Amynda: Emotional depth. (Looks proud of herself) Empathy. Appreciation of the world, beauty and life.

Greg: Hmmm, isn’t that “earth mother crap” when I say it?

Amynda: It is. When men force it on us, it turns into earth mother crap.

Greg: (Laughing) Oh, give me a break! (turns to audience) All this business about empathy and emotional depth is exactly what you’d call “earth-mother crap”. The only difference is that it comes out of your mouth and not out of mine! You can’t have it both ways.

Amynda: “You can’t have it both ways”! Wonderful! Oh that is so male. So phallic. So typical. There is nothing worse than contradiction, is there? Well life is logically messy! Oh, but “logical messiness” is probably one of your vaunted definitions of “female” isn’t it? The truth is never learned by you rarified, super-rationalist males with your precious linear-thinking which forces us all into the brutal either-or of so-called “logic” of so-called “laws”. It is your so-called “contradictions” that make us human! Things aren’t tidy! That’s what your mommy has shielded you from. There would be something touchingly innocent about your demand that I can’t have it both ways if it weren’t such a cancer on this earth. What, do you think I can’t have an abortion when I need one while caring for the children I do have?

Audience: (Cheers)

Greg: Okay, hold on-

Amynda: It is monkish little sophists like you with your kosher codes of mutually exclusive pigeonholes and your taboos on one idea contaminating another what’ve lead us into the modern nightmare of today! You endlessly “rationalize” this messy, tragic, living world of ours. A world where the ones on top have it both ways and the ones on the bottom don’t get anything. You, who gets all the sex he wants without getting pregnant, have the gall to say “you can’t have it both ways”!

Audience: (Applause)

Greg: Amynda, you can’t take two opposite positions at once. It’s a basic principle of rational discourse.

Amynda: Goddess, how typical! All that self-satisfied, oh-so-neat cutting up of life into something you can “deal with rationally”. Your “logic” is a phallic extension! Like bullets and knives and “smart” bombs. You just boil it down and put it in a nutshell and drop it on an Iraqi village. One little point singled-out from everything around it and take it apart, pontificating about how if x is so, y can’t be so and if y isn’t so then z-

Greg: Slow dow-

Amynda: -and congratulating yourselves for being “on target” or hitting the “nail on the head” and (unintelligible) of being fuzzy or soft. God it’s amazing the way your language gives you little boys away. You’re Exhibit A, you know that? Exhibit A of the cancerous, garbagey death machine that calls itself “manhood”. We’re being raped and you want to split hairs on the rapist’s head!

Greg: Can you-

Amynda: You’re a little boy in the schoolyard waving your pee-pee, always competing with your friend about who can best turn himself into a tool. Yes, I said “tool”. Logical tools. Research tools. Tools of the trade. That’s the real difference between men and women, so obligingly demonstrated by yourself. You make a virtue of totemizing, fetishizing everything, including parts of yourselves. The first tool wasn’t the wheel, it was the cock! You’re in love with your own cocks and you dominate me because you’re not bound to the earth with blood. You’re “rational” because the menstrual clots don’t seep down your legs after a full moon. You don’t go splat splat spat on the floor of the hut. Splat! Splat! Splat! So you rock back and forth, desperately chanting “men better, men better!”

Greg: Will you just-

Amynda: “Man is a tool-making animal”. MAN is a tool-making animal! God, I learned that in 5th grade and it comes back every time I meet someone who uses his mind as a prick. All so you can exploit and screw and strip-mine and nuke everything with your tools. Your scalpels, guns, bats, cocks, hammers, forceps, stirrups, chastity belts, whips and chains-

Greg: Let’s get something straight-

Amynda: (Pointing) Heteronormative fascist!

Greg: Oh God, I give up. (Rubs temples and sighs) No human being can respond to relentless antilanguage and antireason-

Amynda: He can’t respond! I win, just like last year! (Raises fist in the air!) GRRLZ ROOL!

(Audience applauds, Amynda does a victory dance and leaves the stage in triumph)


Another Loathsome Product of the Patriarchy

The vile Patriarchy– that sadistic social force which oppresses all womyn– has done it again: they’ve approved a vaccine which could prevent nearly all instances of cervical cancer.

As every feminist knows, our society does not value female life and wimmin’s needs are always ignored. Therefore a medical advance like this one could not have come into existence.

Injecting us with this vaccine requires us to be jabbed with needles several times; this amounts to violence against our precious bodies. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Merck’s senior director of clinical vaccine research who oversaw the product development is named Dr. Eliav Barr– which makes him a FUCKING MAN!

(Initiate the righteous ridicule!)

Why didn’t he help to invent a vaccine to stop rape?? Does he think this advance in womyn’s health gets him off the hook? He’s got a long way to go before he works-off the debt he owes us because he’s part of the problem!

How can this precious vaccine– and almost every other vaccine and lifesaving technology out there– have sprung from the mind of a testosterone-addled, womyn-killing oppressor?

The only reasonable explanation is that Dr. Barr stole this liquid from a selfless wommyn inventor who was denied her moment of public glory. After all, it is womyn who are superior at life-giving and healing while men create only death, destruction and misery. Grr! When I find this Dr. Barr, I’ll tape bloody tampons to his face.

Anyway, we feminists believe that the biological sciences are highly suspect. All of that talk about viral “invasions” and “defenses” underscores the warlike white male prism through which the human body is viewed. And consider all of the time they waste on testing, testing, testing. All of those rules of empiricism and the mathematically-based analysis which follows. In a laboratory there is scarcely any talk about feelings, consciousness-raising or paradigm-shifting. No wonder there are so few feminist vaccinologists!

The heavily gendered distortions of modern biology, in conjunction with its methodological fetishism, often passes unnoticed or ignored. Biology needs to be exposed for what it really is: a male chauvinist pig of a discipline, suffering from severe monomania and small-dick insecurity issues. A proper feminist perspective on biology would be more inclusive and stem from our unique social experiences because our oppression gives us a special insight into the nature of reality.

Indeed, I would have to say that we feminists are far more gifted at finding male bias within a given discipline than actually coming-up with alternative ways of dealing with the subject. And that’s okay because creating a feminist “critique” of a branch of scientific study is intellectually equivalent to re-inventing the branch from scratch. And it is fair to say that a feminist is a person who wants to see more female careers in the hard sciences– but they must be the careers of other females and never herself.

So as part of our never-ending Stoic Opposition To Dominant Sexual Zeitgeists, I’m recommending that we gyrrlcott this vaccine and every other medical advance that has been developed by useless men during their 10,000 years of oppression.

This includes sterilization, antibiotics, anaesthetics, ambulances, defibrillators, public sanitation, x-rays, vitamin supplements, syringes, MRI scanners, blood-banks, heart & lung machines, Pap-smears, birth control and almost every other medical idea dating back to Hippocrates.

If we ever fall ill, we will use radium. Lots and lots of radium. Whatever that is.

That ought to teach the Patriarchy a lesson!