Male Feminists: Can We Trust Them?

Girls, beware! Your male feminist “friend” might not be exactly what he led you to believe he is!

The shocking story which follows will surely strike fear into the delicate hearts of womyn everywhere!

Let me preface this by saying that Ted had been my friend for 10 long, wonderful years. He was always at the rallies with me, he’d helped me file my last three rape-lawsuits, and he even bought bras for our ritual burnings. Best of all, his existence functioned as a useful foil whenever I was accused of hating men. His usual tagline was always: “men are pigs!” Needless to say, I was suckered-in by his cunning act of subterfuge for obvious reasons.

Two days ago, I received the shock of my life. It was a bad omyn for anyone who is acquainted with a so-called “male feminist”.

I stopped by Ted’s house, as I do every weekday, to pick up that afternoon’s edition of Oprah. Ted always records Oprah for me, since my high-powered college-career doesn’t allow me to stay home and watch it. Not only that, I learned some years ago that the VCR was invented by (ugh!) a man. That’s why I refuse to own a single piece of technology which has been generated by my patriarchal, fascist oppressors! Consequently, my apartment is somewhat empty.

But anyway, I parked on the street beside the personhole cover outside his apartment, as I usually do, and approached Ted’s door. I knocked (Ted had long ago removed the doorbell, another pigheaded male invention!), but there was no answer.

This was when I noticed the door was slightly ajar. I figured it would be all right if I walked inside, maybe Ted was douching or something.

“Ted!”, I bellowed in my non-gender specific way. No response. By now I was worried as I carefully walked down the hallway. Ted’s Judy Gorman CD was blasting away at full volume, so maybe he simply didn’t hear me.

That’s when I approached the hallway bathroom and saw something so shocking that it will be burned into my mind forever.

He had just finished urinating and I startled him as he stood up from the toilet. He suddenly spun toward me– the faint of heart among you should read no further!

TED HAD A PENIS!

Yes, you read that right! I gave a bloodcurdling and independent yelp of pure, righteous indignation and stumbled backwards in shock. Scrambling on my hands and knees towards the exit, I found myself crying out, “Save me, Betty Friedan!

A look of horrified shame came across Ted’s face as he scrambled to button his fly (no zippers for Ted. You guessed it, another patriarchal invention to further adulate the oppressive male organ!) He attempted to say something, but he saw my look of shock and was rendered speechless. After I ran, screaming, from the house I haven’t spoken to Ted since.

I shudder at the very thought that the most intelligent, sensitive, modern, and politically correct person of “that” sex would possess a disgusting implement of rape!

How can a MAN think straight with his dangling tool trying to attack every woman in sight? How can I sleep at night when these pretenders, these “male feminists,” lack an all-benevolent uterus?

I drove straight to the police station to report that I was viciously assaulted by a team of 18-foot-tall slobbering lacrosse players. Ted and a dozen others were rounded-up and arrested within hours. Another feminist victory!

Let this be a stern lesson to all of you. Just because “male feminists” pretend to agree with us doesn’t mean they’re not agents of the Patriarchy, my systyrs. Our precious vaginas are inlaid with sapphires and squirt rubies once a month; that is why men are persistently drawn to its precious majesty. Any time a man ever supports anything you believe, he’s just trying to get closer to plundering your most valuable treasure.

Always remember: any man who questions anything a feminist has ever written is trying to oppress us. And any man who agrees with anything a feminist has ever said is just trying to get into our pants and earn a long jail sentence.

Don’t trust anything a man says, you should always presume his very worst possible motives instead. He should always be judged by the fact that he has that fetid “thing” between his legs. Ugh!

Oh, yes some of them may fool you for a while but you should never let your guard down. I’m just so hurt right now because Ted had never seemed the type.