On This Day in Herstory…

… in 1892 the bodies of Andrew Jackson Borden and Sarah Morse Borden were discovered in their home in Fall River, Massachusetts. They’d been hacked to bits with an axe.

Needing some vagina-having slut to blame, the patriarchy took the Borden daughter Lizzie into custody.

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Being a feisty ass-kicking womyn who can do no wrong, Lizzie claimed innocence and was the true victim of the trial despite the preponderance of evidence against her. So great was her mental anguish that she swooned in the courtroom, winning much sympathy from the all-male jury, who eventually found her not guilty.

Once again, this demonstrates how impossible it is for a womyn to get justice in this man’s world which always conspires to keep the Systyrhood down.

If Lizzie was a fuckin’ MAN, would the trial have turned-out the way it did? Of course not! The Patriarchy always protects its favorites. Sure, a male version of Lizzie wouldn’t have gotten sympathy by fainting at the trial but never mind.

Many years after she was found not guilty, Lizzie became the subject of my favorite nursery rhyme:

Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother forty whacks.
When she saw what she had done
She gave her father forty-one.

Ha ha ha! Good times…

Today, feminist jurists help to keep Lizzie Borden alive by constantly cooking-up new excuses for women who go on trial for murder. Hopefully, accused female killers can be given a chance to exploit chivalrous and paternalistic social traditions that we feminists would otherwise profess to despise.

And if you read our blogs whenever a high-profile female killer comes into the news, we’ll often manage to manufacture torturously convoluted explanations that no one would otherwise buy.

Andrea Yates? Sure, she waited until her husband left the house, locked the doors and took her 5 kids one by one (going from weakest to strongest) into the bathroom and brutally held them under water until they stopped breathing but that doesn’t make her a killer. She was trying to save them from the devil! Why doesn’t she get kudos for trying to protect them?

Why, she even chased one kid through the house and dragged him back to the tub to finish the job. A less-dedicated mom would’ve given-up the chase far more easily!

Happily, Andrea’s earlier conviction for murder was recently overturned by reason of insanity. Insanity brought-on by our womyn-hating society which bombards her with images of skinny fashion models and wage-gaps. She was depressed and it’s only natural for a depressed mother to kill her kids. And she wasn’t in a state of mind to know that killing kids is wrong which is why she waited for her husband to leave the house before she did it.

Adding to her grief, now she’s left without children. No mother should ever have to witness the death of her own babies. Some might call this “chutzpah”, but we feminists prefer to call it “having sympathy for the real victim”.

Look, it’s very simple: the kids popped-out of her pussy, they belong to her and she’s free to destroy her kids however she wants. She drowned her kids using her body and no fuckin’ patriarchy can tell a womyn what not to do with her body. The end.

And what about the husband in all this, huh? It’s his fault for leaving her alone with them! Why the fuck does he get off the hook? Fuckin’ men.

What if a Texas MAN had drowned five kids in a bathtub? Would the patriarchy condescendingly stigmatize him as being ‘insane’? NO! He’d be called a spree killer and be put in the electric chair a Cool Dude and be given a warm handshake. Grr!

And check-out this vagina warrior: A mother accused of cutting off part of her son’s tongue with hot scissors avoided a 5-year prison sentence and was sentenced to 10 years probation. YES!

It’s about time that fuckin’ kid learned to watch what comes-out of his bandage-filled mouth. That bastard probably learned a well-deserved lesson. In fact, I’m 100% sure that the punishment would’ve been similar if the dad had cut-out his son’s tongue in the same way.

And if the father doesn’t pony-up enough cash to pay for speech-therapy, the mom ought to raise hell!

Remembering Ms. Borden fills me with hope and a desire to emulate her example. We feminists look forward to a day when we can shave “Get-Out Of Jail Free” into our pussy hair after killing or maiming whoever we want.

Equality fuckin’ ROCKS!