Great News for Crack-Moms!

Wonderful news! Our activism has paid-off!

You may remember our wonderful protest march in Washington? The one to help safeguard our all-important right to smoke crack while pregnant?

It’s paying dividends already: the Maryland Court of Appeals ruled that the reckless endangerment statute does not apply to women who take drugs while pregnant.

According to the ACLU:

“We believe that using criminal law to regulate a pregnant woman’s conduct on the theory that it might harm a fetus or her newborn child is counterproductive, illegal, and, ultimately bad for children and society.” 


You hear that? Now we can all feel free to take ownership of our own bodies by ignoring the mere theory that a pregnant womyn who feels compelled to ingest toxic substances might negatively impact the development of the stupid fetus growing inside her.

I’ve never heard a fetus complain about exposure to crack. Have you?

Here are some highlights of the news release:

The court of appeals reaffirmed the virtually unanimous view of courts around the country that such broad prosecutions under reckless endangerment statutes could make pregnant women vulnerable to criminal liability for a wide range of activities, some as mundane as not maintaining a proper and sufficient diet or exercising too much or too little.

Because smoking crack is exactly the same thing as going on a diet. If anyone were to do anything to restrict the untrammelled freedom of pregnant womyn do whatever, it’ll be a slippery slope to using coat-hangers in back-alleys. And any desire to prevent us from smoking crack while pregnant can only be motivated by the male desire to enslave our uteruses.

Such a tactic deters women from seeking prenatal care, from going to a hospital to give birth and encourages pregnant women struggling with addiction to have abortions to avoid prosecution.

Good point. Not seeking prenatal care and not going to a hospital can recklessly jeopardize the life of the baby. And the life of the baby is of paramount importance to us, which is why we shouldn’t bat an eyelash if the mom exercises her sacred right to smoke crack while she is pregnant.

Furthermore, encouraging abortions is just plain wrong. No one should encourag- wait a minute. Scratch that.

Prosecuting pregnant women who suffer from drug dependencies is almost uniformly regarded as bad public policy, with no benefit for a child once it is born.

I agree!

One of my closest friends is a noble crack-mom. As a dedicated sex-worker, she’s popped-out six low-IQ, health-impaired children that she can’t afford to feed. Seeing as how all her money goes for crack. But now, she’ll be happy to hear that there is no reason at all she shouldn’t pop-out six more kids. Isn’t that awesome?

From now on, let’s celebrate our pregnancies by fetching our dime rocks, our primo, our hash and our ten-pound balls of opium. Suck it all down, do whatever you want! IT’S OUR BODIES DAMMIT!!! We are now free to produce legion upon legion of impoverished, brain-damaged rugrats with poor impulse control who can’t write their own names. Ahh, victory is sweet…

Now we can move-on to highlighting other issues of great importance. Such as the health-risks posed by mercury emissions from coal-burning power plants. That kind of air pollution is scary because it could damage the health of pregnant women and their unborn children. It makes me want to cry just thinking about how the inhalation of dangerous chemicals can hurt my future child.

But if I inhale the air pollution directly, by my own hand, no harm will come. It’s my body, you know.

What I can’t fathom is how anyone can condone the exposure of innocent, unborn children to dangerous chemicals. Those who recklessly endanger the health of mothers and the unborn should be punished harshly. Doesn’t anybody in our society care about the lives and well-being of the babies growing inside us?? The unborn deserve a healthy womb and a fair shot at life… as long as my behavior won’t be fettered in any way.

Dammit, where’d I put that pipe…