Expansion of The Assyrian Empire Hits Women The Hardest

As part of our celebration of Wimmin’s Herstory Month, I wanted to give (yet) another example of how wymyn have been so gorgeously victimized since the beginning of time. Yes my sisters, men’s pee-pees may be too soft, small and icky to ever sexually-satisfy us, but they are the most threateningweapons that have ever been created.

Did you know that penises have killed more womyn than gunpowder and mustard-gas combined?

And there is no finer tale of anti-woomin terror than the herstory of the ancient Middle East. I was originally going to entitle this post “Hittites Hit Womyn the Hardest” because of its greater alliterative properties, but I couldn’t find enough emotionally-manipulative anecdotes that would help me reach the conclusion that I wanted to arrive-at.

I’ll instead be discussing the penis-having Assyrians and how the expansion of their territorial boundaries turned womyn into the pitiable victims of patriarchy that they always seem to wind-up as. But please do not let this kind of narrative insinuate that womyn are ever flawed, less-intelligent or weak in any way. On the contrary– womyn are exactly as tough, smart and capable as men, except womyn become their victims all the time.

On to Assyria:


Growing-out of an alliance between a number of theocratic city-states in today’s northern Iraq around 1800 BCE, Assyria became a boiling, fetid cauldron of masculine lust for gore forever in search of poor victims to victimize. Like all men, the Assyrians were a mindless herd of rampaging animals gripped by nothing but a single obsession: THE OPPRESSION OF WYMIN.

Lacking a sufficient supply of sweet sweet vaginas to dominate, the kings of Assyria naturally began to push the national boundaries ever-outwards. Over a period of centuries, they conquered Babylon, Syria, Phoenicia, Elam, Israel and reached as far as Egypt. As is the case for all violence, only wimyn were ever hurt by it.

Take Ashurnasirpal II, for instance. Below, we see him playing with his schlong. It seems huge, but it is incapable of satisfying me and I am not interested in it anyway:


His career illustrates what every man would love to do if given the chance. While advancing towards what is today the coasts of Syria and Lebanon, he engaged in the impalement of whole communities and mass executions. Rebels were flayed or burned alive or had their noses, ears and/or fingers cut off. He beheaded enemies and stacked-up the heads in mounds. And, more than anything else, he craved the precious pussies of white, middle-class, college-educated liberated wymun like you and me.

Inscribed around 841 BCE, the following quote comes from a cuneiform-covered stele honoring King Shalmaneser III:

I descended to the land of Namri. Ianzû, king of Namri, was frightened before my mighty weapons, and he went up into the mountains to save his life. I captured Sihishalah, Bît-tamul, Bît-sakki, Bît-shedi, his fortified cities. I slew his warriors; I carried off his spoil. I destroyed, devastated, and burned his cities with fire. The rest of them went up into the mountains. I stormed and captured the mountain peak; I slew their warriors. I brought down their booty and goods.

Hah! See? The pig was looking for booty! Typical man!

And refering to King Esarhaddon’s campaigns against the Egyptians in 671, another stele brags with typical male swaggering braggadocio:

From the town of Ishupri as far as Memphis, his royal residence, a distance of fifteen days’ march, I fought daily, without interruption, very bloody battles against Tirhakah, king of Egypt and Ethiopia, the one accursed by all the great gods. Five times I hit him with the point of my arrows, inflicting wounds from which he should not recover, and then I laid siege to Memphis, his royal residence, and conquered it in half a day by means of mines, breaches, and assault ladders; I destroyed it, tore down its walls, and burned it down.

VICTIMIZING ONLY THE SUPPLE WOMYN, the author fails to add. Typical fucking man, overlooking that fact.

The bas-relief below is taken from a ruin in Nimrud. It shows the patriarchal Assyrian soldiers under King Ashurbanipal ransacking and depopulating a lesbian wicca commune in the Nile valley in 667 BCE.


As you can see, the peaceful dyke-sisters must halt their worship of the True Mother-Moon-Goddess and are being led to prison in suburban kitchens. There, they will be forced to bake brownies and be brainwashed into thinking they want heterosexual intercourse.

Both of these things are forms of insidious male oppression that have been handed-down until the present day.

Eventually the litany of Assyrian terror and plunder came to an end. Their capital of Nineveh was put to the torch by the armies of Babylonia and Medes. The inhabitants were slaughtered, survivors were enslaved, the palace was sacked and destroyed. Again, females were the sole victims throughout.

When oh WHEN will violence against womyn (the only violence that really matters) ever come to an end?!