MY RIGHT to Smoke Crack While Pregnant!


Although we are kickass superdivas who can be held-down by no man, we have recently lost control over our own bodies.

You think I’m exaggerating? Well take a look at the Supreme Court. Do you see more than one womyn judge? Of course not. It’s proof of our oppression, just like everything else in the world is proof of our oppression.

Womyn judges have been scientifically proven, by Wimmin’s Studies grad-student opinion-papers, to impart a mystical goddess-quality justice on all womyn-kind. But no! There are mostly fucking MEN on the court, rapists and wife beaters, molesters and starters of WARS! They’re sitting there, fouling the bench with their facial hair and their pathetic pee-pees and their bald-spots!

Can you believe this shit? We have gone right back to the bad old days of Patriarchy, and now, our right to kill stuff growing IN OUR WOMBS is about to be lost forever, and ever, until Hillary comes to save us with magic coathangers in 2008.

And on top of the growing penisification of the courts, our society has become more rabidly reactionary than you can imagine. According to this CNN survey, 69% of those polled were in favor of requiring minors to get parental consent to have an abortion. OUTRAGEOUS!
This is patently ridiculous. 16 year-olds are totally capable of understanding the ramifications of getting an abortion. But they’re absolutely not capable of understanding the ramifications of getting married at that age.

Most horrifying of all, this same poll said that 64 percent of those surveyed said that wives should inform their husbands before getting an abortion! LUNACY!

What, a fucking MAN might have a reasonable interest in knowing whether or not he’s going to be a father? Hah! What a sick and twisted idea. Next, they’ll claim that a father ought to have his child-visitation rights enforced!

Look, the fact that a large majority of people favor teeny, tiny, so-called “reasonable” regulations on abortion while utterly opposing a ban is all the proof you need that we’re going back to the Dark Ages and have our ability to vote stripped-away and us wymyn will be forced back into kitchens where we will endure the hell of baking pies.

But the most offensive development of all happened in South Carolina. Earlier this year, there was another assault on our rights: this feisty asskicking mom got in trouble for supposedly causing the death of her newborn child due to smoking massive amounts of crack while she was pregnant.


This means the government might one day take-away our right to smoke crack while pregnant! And no other right is more precious than that one.There is a creeping trend out there, my systers. A trend to cruelly stop us from slaking our hunger for rock-cocaine while we’re pregnant!

Rather than focus on what needs to be done to protect the children of addicts and their unfortunate mothers, we must instead distract everyone by screaming on and on about how it might pose a remote threat to reproductive freedom in some roundabout way.

Let me be clear, you Patriarchal swine: It is MY body. Not yours, MINE. That means I can ingest as many toxins as I want while I’m pregnant and there’s nothing that anyone can do about it, so HAH!

From the hair on my head, to my juicy tits, to the shins I refuse to shave, to my greasy fish-smelling snatch, to my glorious holy womb, and whatever collections of cells happen to be growing there. MINE! MINE! MINE!

So if I want to smoke crack while doing irreparable harm to whatever grows inside of me then I AM GOING TO SMOKE CRACK, YA HEAR ME?

Smoking crack while pregnant constricts the blood vessels in the placenta and fetus. As a result, it reduces the flow of oxygen and nutrients and creates a higher probability of miscarriages, stillbirths, and premature and low-birth-weight babies, often with various physical and neurological problems. Using crack increases the risk of defects in a fetus’ brain, skull, face, eyes, heart, arms and legs, intestines, genitals, and urinary tract. Death rates may be elevated for crack-exposed babies as compared to others, but ignore all that. IT’S MY RIGHT TO SMOKE CRACK WHILE PREGNANT, GOD-DAMMIT! And you can’t take that away from me! It’s MY CHOICE!

To be PRO-CHOICE is non-negotiable. Just as long as “choice” is confined to what happens after I choose to not take one of the many birth-control devices available to me, choose to fuck an off-duty paratrooper in the alley behind the nightclub, and then choose to later cry that some man “got me pregnant” because I didn’t have a choice up until then.

So I propose a protest march. It will be a march to eclipse anything the civil rights movement has done so far. I will lead, and you will follow, and I will be remembered as the greatest liberator of womynkind in all herstory.

Here is what we will do: we must get ourselves pregnant. All of you, fuck yourself silly. Use a turkey-baster if the thought of having a penis inside you sickens you as much as it sickens me.

When our bellies are bloated and heavy with life-sucking fetuses 8 months later, we shall waddle to Washington and heave ourselves onto the steps of the Supreme Court.

There, we will raise crack pipes to our lips. We will spark our rocks and inhale deeply while our stuffy and Puritanical oppressors watch. After getting wicked high, we will chant “Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!” until hoarse.

Then, we will pound on each other’s stomachs with our fists in drug-addled fury so that half-developed chunks of crack-baby will start to sluice-out from us, dribbling-down the steps of the court like a salsa of human flesh. Ahh, what an inspiring sight that will be!

If they arrest us: We are martyrs to the cause.

If they are shocked, annoyed, offended: Mission accomplished!

Once we’ve expunged the chunks, legs, heads, arms and goo all over the steps like the Pussy-Power Marinara Sauce that it is, we will demand that they codify in law our sacred right to smoke crack while pregnant!

I implore you my fellow systyrs! Take whatever action is necessary to protect the all-important RIGHT to commit as much prenatal abuse as we want.


And look, you dumbass men: crack-fetuses are a part of MY BODY. I don’t tell you what to do with your shriveled little dick on Friday night, except for when I tell you to fuck me, so you don’t tell me what I can do with my body after you’ve fucked me! Got that?

And if crack-kid pops-out of my womyn-hole like a battered Raggedy Ann with flippers for limbs and a pumpkin-sized head, then I’ll dump its nasty ass at an orphanage so it can be taken care of by the state, living a happy and carefree life.

It’s just as well. Men never take responsibility for the babies that they create, the bastards. That’s why they shouldn’t be allowed to go anywhere near children.