As you are all aware, the accursed Patriarchy is always brainwashing us womyn in subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways to make us think we can’t succeed in so-called “male-dominated” realms. Among these areas in which womyn always get shortchanged is the glamorous world of secretly-concealing explosive devices in places where there are plenty of unsuspecting passers-by.
You and I know perfectly damned well that us womyn are equally-capable of linking a detonator to a block of C-4, packing nails around it for shrapnel and stepping onto a commuter-train with a mysterious bulge under our clothes. But almost every case you hear about in the news involves fucking MEN. There is only one way to put it, my systyrs: there is a Bomber-Gap!
And there is only one possible cause for any disparity between the sexes: discrimination! And the worst kinds of discrimination are those which fail to put us wimmin first.
Ahh, so now you’re frothing at the mouth I see.
Feel that delicious sensation of martyrdom? Good. Let it overwhelm you. For only when resentment clouds all of your judgement can you start to think like a true feminist.
Let me assure you that there is much worse news to come, my fellow feisty minxes. Us wymyn are being discriminated against despite the fact that we have always been at the forefront of hiding things that go ka-BOOM. Why, consider the feisty vagina-warrior Thenmuli Rajaratnam (shown below on the left).
In 1991 in the town of Sriperumbudur, she hid RDX and thousands of tiny metal bits under her sari and blew the snot out of Indian Penis-Minister Rajiv Gandhi and 16 others nearby. All of this at the young age of 17. You GO, you spunky chick you! WOO-HOO!! I bet no one ever forced her to scrub a toilet!
Or how about Kim Hyun Hee?
In 1987, this scrappy twin-fisted North Korean grrrl-illa proved to the world that a womyn could hide a chunk of plastique just as well as any man. She even brought-down KAL flight 858 over the Indian Ocean. Right-on! I bet the 115 people on board sure got a lesson in Pussy-Power that day!
But even though she took cyanide after being caught, the Patriarchy still managed to keep her alive for trial. Grrr, doesn’t that just make you mad??
We can’t overlook Ulrike Meinhof either:
An old-school rebel, this badass German hottie was a leading member of the Baader-Meinhof Gang and helped to carry-out a fucking awesome display of fireworks during the early ’70s. A fighting fräulein to the very end, she refused to give the Patriarchy the pleasure of holding her down. This righteous chick gloriously hanged herself in her cell in 1976, truly getting the last laugh. Or the last gag in this case.
In fact, a complete list of similarly raucous, hair-trigger gladiatrixes could go on and on for days. Don’t even get me started about the ass-whomping Chechen chicks that I admire so much. But despite all our progress against inequality, most people (i.e, sexist motherfuckers) still persist in believing that wimyn could not do such acts.
Here is a fact: The Patriarchy is always propagandizing us to not blow stuff up. And because that’s just what the Patriarchy wants us to do, we must therefore do the exact opposite. That is why I think we should immediately initiate a new campaign: Gender-Parity for Suicide-Bombers!
There should be a sweeping effort to promote womyn throughout this field.
We have to get federal money to create special programs for wimmin only!
Female mentors are needed to serve as role-models for plucky grrl-bombers!
Mandatory harassment seminars must be started for male suicide-bombers!
Perhaps even a “Tape Your Daughter To Grenades Day”?
What’s the matter, that’s not “ladylike” enough for you? Tough shit! It’s called “equality”, asshole! DEAL WITH IT!
That’s right, dickheads. Move-over cuz there’s a new sheriff in town. Like any feminist, she demands fifty% of the glory and zero% of the responsibility!
The type of defiant acts that I propose may be a bit too painful for a mainstream womyn to contemplate. But that’s only because most womyn have become so indoctrinated and mind-dulled by pervasive Patriarchal influences like the brassire, the bikini, the wolf-whistle and the Barbie Dreamhouse. That is why completely non-brainwashed feminists like us must comprise the vanguard of this movement and lead by our gutsy and laudable example.
So what are you waiting for, my fellow karate-chopping vagina-warriors? Don’t delay! Hoist the Patriarchy by its own petard! Why not drive to the nearest South Dakota courthouse with a carload of Semtex?
Sadly, I can’t contribute to this effort because of a bad knee. But some of you other face-smashing, cantankerous, punchy warrior-grrrls out there can pick-up the slack on my behalf.
And remember: just before you hit the detonation switch be sure to scream: “Thank Goddess womyn are never violent!”