Welcome to Feministing.org!

This is Feministing.org, a bottomless well of white, middle-class, college-educated female-kvetching!

This is our first post so we’d like to introduce who we are and what we’re all about: Young, middle-class, college-educated white women are rarely given the opportunity to speak on our own behalf on issues that affect our lives and futures because we’re so horribly, horribly oppressed. Feministing.org provides a platform for us to comment, analyze, harp on our perpetual victimization, and (best of all) COMPLAIN CEASELESSLY!

And if you’re a non-white visitor, then we’re DESPERATE for you to post in our Comments section. If we don’t obsessively conflate our lives with those of disadvantaged ethnic minorities, then readers might start to think we’re a bunch of overindulged, priggish nutjobs who wouldn’t recognize real hardship if it were to ever bite our sheltered little white-girl asses.
So mah soul sistas- go and post some colorfully urban jive so your oppressedness can rub-off on us!

Anyway, life is simply horrible for us middle-class, college-educated white Gender-Ed Majors. We’re so sooooo horribly oppressed and no one cares. And if you don’t give us everything we demand and if you don’t do everything we say, then you’re sexist. Got that?

Yes, to the uninitiated reader, the brash rhetoric of the feminist blogosphere may seem to be the foot-stompings of a bunch of faux-disaffected rebel-chick wannabes who never grew out of adolescence. But the truth is: any woman who doesn’t call herself a feminist is clearly a self-loathing airhead who has been brainwashed by the patriarchy into hating her intellectual betters (that is: us). And obviously, any man who’d dare to admit that he thinks feminists occasionally fall short of their own principles is simply being his normal oppressive self (that is: a woman-hating misogynist pig who secretly wishes to rape every vagina he can get his grubby little hands on).

So in place of rational thinking or empirical analysis (which are “patriarchal” and evil because they might force us to consider questions for which we don’t already possess ready-made answers) us feminist bloggers prefer to rely instead on a simple ideological chant which neatly explains everything in the world. Here it is: Whatever the problem, men are the cause and women are the victims. Period.

Isn’t that simple?

It’s VERY simple, indeed! Plus it makes us feel good inside, so it must be true.

In fact it’s so simple that literally any woman is capable of becoming a feminist blogger nowadays! And it simply doesn’t matter how little sense you make or how much you violate your own supposed principles or how much you contradict yourself from paragraph to paragraph. Everything you say, even stuff that you make-up out of whole cloth, is 100% profound and righteous and valid if you call yourself a “feminist”. Isn’t that great?

But now it’s time to see if Feministing.org is right for you. Because underneath our perpetually-outraged little white-girl exteriors is LOADS and LOADS of diversity.

No, really! Stop laughing.

For instance: Are you a white, middle-class, college-educated woman who claims to have been horribly oppressed for thousands of years… but you’re only in your twenties?

Do you believe, right down to your very core, that only men (and never yourself) can ever be sexist?

Do you usually use a definition of “sexism” that conveniently exempts your own behavior? And do you angrily spew vitriolic attacks whenever you are confronted about the so-called “blatant hypocrisy” of this notion?

Do you believe that women are equal to men in every way… except women lack the negative characteristics that men have?

Do you normally win arguments by screaming at your opponent that he’s a chauvinist motherfucker with a fragile ego who can’t handle an “opinionated” female and also probably wants to stop you from voting? Is this usually a good way of shutting-up anyone who might win an argument with you?

Do you believe in women having “choices”… but you have contempt for women who choose to not call themselves feminists? And do you show disgust for the brainwashed idiotic females who choose to follow a religious way of life? Do you positively despise the mindless Stepford Wives who choose to live more “traditionally” than you approve?

Do you proudly declare that women are “capable of making their own decisions”… but you love to heap sneering contempt on those unthinking bimbos who decide to go on diets, be pro-life, have a rhinoplasty, vote Republican, get married, or who decide to do anything that feminists say women shouldn’t do?

Do you ever say you’re concerned about racism… but you only consider the status of nonwhites when you want to make handy analogies that illustrate how a light-skinned, upper-middle-class cutie like yourself is even MORE oppressed?

Do you claim to have sympathy for black men, but you’re secretly terrified that one of them might rape you for sport, just like any man might do?

Are you a “strong woman” who needs “safe spaces” so you won’t “feel threatened” by the presence of people to whom you claim to be equally tough and capable as?

Are you offended by the Victorian “passive damsel in distress” depiction of women in movies and novels… but you’re always declaring that women have been passive victims throughout the whole of human history?

If that “science” thingy ever contradicts your feminist beliefs, do you conclude that science is just a bunch of patriarchal bullcrap which can be easily dismissed?

Do you commonly boast that women are morally superior, better at communicating, nurturing, parenting, emoting, diplomacy, relationship-building, and multitasking… and yet you explode in volcanic anger at Larry Summers’ suggestion that men might be better at math at the topmost fringes of academia?

Do you habitually twist the most innocuous statements of other people into their most offensive possible interpretations and angrily demand apologies for the bigotry you’ve just “proven” that they have?

Do you have the ability to fly into offended rage at the drop of a hat? Do you consider compliments on your hair to be a form of assault?

Does your blood boil when you see stereotypes which damage women (oh, and minorities too!) while you are perfectly content to believe and espouse the nastiest, most hateful stereotypes about men (which includes minority men)?

Do you crave the thrill that comes with inflicting damage of any kind upon men? And whenever you gleefully speak to them in the most mocking, condescending and disrespectful ways, do you act genuinely baffled when they start getting “defensive”?

And whenever men get “defensive”, do you like to imperiously quip that this is due to their “fragile male egos” when you’d consider a similar poke about “female irrationality” to be the worst kind of affront?

Do you think calling yourself “opinionated” is a great excuse for acting like a pushy, arrogant loud-mouth?

Can you always find a way to scapegoat “patriarchy” for every female failure, inconvenience, disappointment and irritation on the face of the planet?

Do you think that there ought to be female CEOs in equal numbers … but you never complain about whether there are equal numbers of female garbage collectors, construction workers, hard laborers or having equal numbers of women in jobs where there’s a high risk of getting maimed or killed? If someone ever points this out to you, do you scream bloody murder so they’ll shut the hell up?

Last but not least— do you believe down to your core that any negative statement about the behavior of feminists is referring to some lunatic fringe individual and never to yourself?

Well if you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then congratulations! You fit the profile of a typical contributor to the feminist blogosphere! Yay!

Welcome aboard, you fearless and progressive vagina-warrior!

Repeat after me: “I’M THE VICTIM!”

Good.

Now that you’re one of us, everything you say is religiously exempted from any type of critical inquiry. Anything you do, no matter how mundane, is worthy of the loudest admiration and praise.

And if anyone ever attempts to criticize anything you say or do, it’s because they’re sexist bastards who want to oppress and dominate you. Nothing deeper than that.

So now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s lay-down some rules for the less-intelligent and less-progressive people out there. (Ahem, and you knowexactly who I’m talking about.)

Namely: If you’re a male (eeeyew!) who is planning to post in the ‘comments’ section, then you must follow one very simple rule. Your failure to agree with everything we say is ironclad proof that you’re a sexist misogynist who wants to oppress and destroy all women.

And you have a small dick maybe. And maybe you hate black people too? Because us white female college-graduates are even more oppressed than what blacks were during the worst days of Jim Crow, so disagreeing with us is actually worse than racism. And you don’t want to be accused of being a SMALL-DICKED RACIST WOMAN-HATING BIGOT, do you? We didn’t think so. Because that’s just what you are if you don’t agree with everything we say. Got it? Good.

It is true that most men (eeeyew!) seem to have a problem when it comes to listening to women who have their own opinions. And if you’re a man who has opinions that aren’t an echo of ours, then you should just SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU THINK!! GOT IT, IDIOT?! If you’re unwilling to parrot the opinions that us badass feminists already agree with, then take your inadequate teeny little penis somewhere else, fuck you very much.

If you ignore this rule, then any attempt to criticize or disagree with us will be met with shrieks of the most vicious forms of verbal abuse that you could ever imagine. Because we believe in free speech. For ourselves, though. Not for men or women who don’t call themselves “feminists”.

So let’s make Feministing.org a great place for like-minded women to say whatever they want, for other women to find-out exactly what they ought to think and for men (eeeyew!) to shut the fuck up– for the sake of equal treatment, of course!

What’s With The Logo?

“Amynda! How can your site have a logo which objectifies womyn like that!?” they demand. And I have to say that I am somewhat sympathetic to that complaint.

We are constantly surrounded by offensive images which turn wimmyn into sex-objects. Since a true vagina-warrior gets outraged every time she opens her eyes, finding any inoffensive image is often quite a challenge. Our female bodies are gorgeous, splendid, heavenly works of Goddesslike art. And yet we are constantly kept deathly ashamed of our own bodies because keeping womyn in a state of perpetual body-image-shame makes us easier for the Patriarchy to control somehow. That’s why so many womyn go on diets or buy the latest fashions, you know: the Patriarchy put invisible guns to their heads. The invisible gun of Own-Body-Not-Liking!

So many of us feminists try to break-free of Patriarchy’s relentless sexualization of womyn by asserting our right to flop-out our titties in public whenever we want while punching disgusting male perverts in the face when they try to photograph us on their little cell-phone cameras, which were specifically invented to keep us wimmin down and give us a poor body image. The bastards.

Anyway, the symbolism of the Feministing logo has multiple layers of complexity so it does not surprise me that people might get the wrong idea at first glance. Indeed, how often do you see a faux-mudflap which means so much all at once?

logo

For starters, the image is meant to signify a womyn’s reaction to Patriarchy. As you can see, The Patriarchy has crawled-up her snatch and has embedded itself deep within the lining of her cervix. That is why she is defiantly attempting to dig it out. Dig, dig, dig she must!

Every womyn has too much of the unwelcome Patriarchy trapped inside her crotch. A womyn can only be whole and free once she finds the wherewithal to cram several digits up her own spout and perhaps stick-in a few other things as well.

I certainly practice what I preach. I can fit-in up to ten fingers. And I found a french fry up there last week, which is kind of weird since I don’t ever recall inserting one.

Another aspect of the Feministing logo is that it symbolizes how we wimmyn don’t need no fucking man for nothing. Nor do we even want a fucking man, except for when we complain about how so many of them don’t seem to be attracted to strong and brilliant wimmyn like ourselves. The sole exception is my Latino boyfriend, who proves that I am not a man-hater and never complains when I give him a righteous cock-punching.

Regardless, a bawdy, feisty, ass-kicking vixen like myself can enjoy her own body any time she likes, and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it you fuckers!

When I was a young grrrl my parents did not explicitly encourage me to masturbate. Nor was I provided with instructional videos or silicone modalities for the task. I had to improvise with household objects. Because of my parent’s failure to provide me with this knowledge, the Patriarchy cunningly deniedme any ability to masturbate and I did not start to explore my own vagina until the late age of 9.

I had to learn all about my delicious folds and crevices by exploring them each day. And when I began to shed endometrial lining, I would collect its effluence in a Dixie cup and throw the holy Moon-Juice upon random people in an audacious display of protest art. All on my own, I had to experiment constantly to understand how deep and wide I like penetration. And I also had to discover through trial and error why glass is not a recommended material for one’s first dildo. So this kind of self-exploration is another major aspect of the logo’s meaning.

If the logo were to speak, it would say: “Take THAT, you fucking Patriarchy! I shall fuck myself silly and there’s not a damned thing that you or any man can do about it because I am a tough and fist-swinging mega-bitch who follows her own rules, so HAH! I’m any man’s equal in every way, except I’m not as inadequate as men are! Plus, I’m a blogger.”

I hope that explanation satisfactorily answers people’s concerns.

FUCKERS!

I crash and burn in less than a week?!?!!

Why the hell does everyone keep spelling my name wrong? It’s AMYNDA, there’s no fucking ‘MAN’ in my name.

And now you know why!

I barely even got my bags unpacked and now I have to go home!

For the life of me, I can’t comprehend what did it.

Was it my lynch-mob attitude towards the Duke Lacrosse Team?

My sneering disdain for all the southern states?

My anti-Papist rantings which are vile enough to make a Know-Nothing cringe?

Or perhaps it was all the paranoia and poison and cheap shots and spite and hate and crazy shit that I habitually spew every day of the week?

No, it was a Patriarchal conspiracy which smacked me down!

It’s because I’m a womyn, isn’t it?

Yes, it’s all because I’m not afraid to speak my mind!

How dare people quote me accurately! The nerve! Pointing-out my bigotry IS bigotry, you fuckers.

Can’t a white girl insult and libel millions of fellow Americans in the most hate-infused language without people getting all wound up about it?

So unfair…

UPDATE:

Some fucker has been reading my email!

Edwards-Maggotte ‘08 II!

EdwardsPhoto

You see, I never meant to malign anyone’s faith.

Especially not the faith of those fucking godbag cock-sucking Catholic christofacist cum-covered fuckheads.

What’s more, Edwards truly sort of acts like he believes that I never meant to malign anyone’s faith. That kind of man you can trust.

I mean, how could anyone ever get the idea that I actually mean the things I say?

Everything I’ve ever said- I didn’t mean any of it!

And anyone who ever agreed with me and thought that I was brilliant? They’re idiots who simply didn’t understand that I WAS JOKING and I never meant a single word of what I very clearly said.

Everything I’ve said over the years? It was all bullshit.

Hah! What a big kidder I am!

Dishonest? Not at all.

Why, with a steady paycheck and a little attention from the powerful, an opinionated, mighty vagina-warrior like me can drop her beliefs and adopt a whole set of new ones in the blink of an eye.