Fuck the Center for Disease Control!

A few weeks ago, the notoriously Patriarchical and misogynistic Center for Disease Control spewed-forth this crap:

New federal guidelines ask all females capable of conceiving a baby to treat themselves — and to be treated by the health care system — as pre-pregnant, regardless of whether they plan to get pregnant anytime soon… this means all women between first menstrual period and menopause should take folic acid supplements, refrain from smoking, maintain a healthy weight and keep chronic conditions such as asthma and diabetes under control.

Keep your goddamned “health recommendations” off MY BODY!!

The fellow ass-kicking vagina-warrior Ilkya Damen pointed this out on her blog and said basically the same thing that I did. But she did it with a somewhat higher ratio of profanity-to-total-words.

In the comments, some cock-waving imbecile named “Russell” interrupted the seething feminist complaint party by chiming-in with pesky “practical, real-world considerations”:

I really don’t understand the freaking out over this.

The CDC makes all kind of busy-body intrusive recommendations. You seem to be pissed about this one only because it’s exclusively directed at women.

Duh. Only women get pregnant. It’s not that hard a concept.

The CDC sees its duty as increasing the sum total health of the nation and making sure that health care resources are as efficiently used as possible. Pregnancy, from a health care perspective, is a resource intensive activity. The CDC empirically believes that certain practices prior to being pregnant will make a woman’s pregnancy less complicated (thereby increasing health and reducing cost). Likewise, while some women will never have a child, most do, and a lot of women end up having one without necessarily intending as such earlier in life (biological clock phenomenon, and all that).

So, your problem is what, exactly?

Immediately after this post, he was hunted-down and beaten to death by a righteous grrl-mob who chanted “How dare you reduce womyn to their biology, you penis-having potential rapist!”

True, a reduction of birth defects could help to prevent a lifetime of expensive and imparing health problems, but we feminists don’t really care too much about life-sucking, inconvenient children (PUKE!). They’re not nearly as gorgeously oppressed as adult, white, middle-class womyn, so children are of compartively little importance.

What Russel the dickless wonder doesn’t comprehend is: It’s my right to give birth to a brain-damaged child if I want to! It’s MY BODY we’re talking about here. And if I pop-out a two-headed, three-toed crablike abomination which has to spend the rest of its life in a plastic bubble because I wanted to load-up on horse tranquilizers and huff airplane glue throughout my second trimester, then neither YOU nor the CDC can stop me, so HAH!

Got it NOW, you bastard?

Great News for Crack-Moms!

Wonderful news! Our activism has paid-off!

You may remember our wonderful protest march in Washington? The one to help safeguard our all-important right to smoke crack while pregnant?

It’s paying dividends already: the Maryland Court of Appeals ruled that the reckless endangerment statute does not apply to women who take drugs while pregnant.

According to the ACLU:

“We believe that using criminal law to regulate a pregnant woman’s conduct on the theory that it might harm a fetus or her newborn child is counterproductive, illegal, and, ultimately bad for children and society.” 


You hear that? Now we can all feel free to take ownership of our own bodies by ignoring the mere theory that a pregnant womyn who feels compelled to ingest toxic substances might negatively impact the development of the stupid fetus growing inside her.

I’ve never heard a fetus complain about exposure to crack. Have you?

Here are some highlights of the news release:

The court of appeals reaffirmed the virtually unanimous view of courts around the country that such broad prosecutions under reckless endangerment statutes could make pregnant women vulnerable to criminal liability for a wide range of activities, some as mundane as not maintaining a proper and sufficient diet or exercising too much or too little.

Because smoking crack is exactly the same thing as going on a diet. If anyone were to do anything to restrict the untrammelled freedom of pregnant womyn do whatever, it’ll be a slippery slope to using coat-hangers in back-alleys. And any desire to prevent us from smoking crack while pregnant can only be motivated by the male desire to enslave our uteruses.

Such a tactic deters women from seeking prenatal care, from going to a hospital to give birth and encourages pregnant women struggling with addiction to have abortions to avoid prosecution.

Good point. Not seeking prenatal care and not going to a hospital can recklessly jeopardize the life of the baby. And the life of the baby is of paramount importance to us, which is why we shouldn’t bat an eyelash if the mom exercises her sacred right to smoke crack while she is pregnant.

Furthermore, encouraging abortions is just plain wrong. No one should encourag- wait a minute. Scratch that.

Prosecuting pregnant women who suffer from drug dependencies is almost uniformly regarded as bad public policy, with no benefit for a child once it is born.

I agree!

One of my closest friends is a noble crack-mom. As a dedicated sex-worker, she’s popped-out six low-IQ, health-impaired children that she can’t afford to feed. Seeing as how all her money goes for crack. But now, she’ll be happy to hear that there is no reason at all she shouldn’t pop-out six more kids. Isn’t that awesome?

From now on, let’s celebrate our pregnancies by fetching our dime rocks, our primo, our hash and our ten-pound balls of opium. Suck it all down, do whatever you want! IT’S OUR BODIES DAMMIT!!! We are now free to produce legion upon legion of impoverished, brain-damaged rugrats with poor impulse control who can’t write their own names. Ahh, victory is sweet…

Now we can move-on to highlighting other issues of great importance. Such as the health-risks posed by mercury emissions from coal-burning power plants. That kind of air pollution is scary because it could damage the health of pregnant women and their unborn children. It makes me want to cry just thinking about how the inhalation of dangerous chemicals can hurt my future child.

But if I inhale the air pollution directly, by my own hand, no harm will come. It’s my body, you know.

What I can’t fathom is how anyone can condone the exposure of innocent, unborn children to dangerous chemicals. Those who recklessly endanger the health of mothers and the unborn should be punished harshly. Doesn’t anybody in our society care about the lives and well-being of the babies growing inside us?? The unborn deserve a healthy womb and a fair shot at life… as long as my behavior won’t be fettered in any way.

Dammit, where’d I put that pipe…

MY RIGHT to Smoke Crack While Pregnant!


Although we are kickass superdivas who can be held-down by no man, we have recently lost control over our own bodies.

You think I’m exaggerating? Well take a look at the Supreme Court. Do you see more than one womyn judge? Of course not. It’s proof of our oppression, just like everything else in the world is proof of our oppression.

Womyn judges have been scientifically proven, by Wimmin’s Studies grad-student opinion-papers, to impart a mystical goddess-quality justice on all womyn-kind. But no! There are mostly fucking MEN on the court, rapists and wife beaters, molesters and starters of WARS! They’re sitting there, fouling the bench with their facial hair and their pathetic pee-pees and their bald-spots!

Can you believe this shit? We have gone right back to the bad old days of Patriarchy, and now, our right to kill stuff growing IN OUR WOMBS is about to be lost forever, and ever, until Hillary comes to save us with magic coathangers in 2008.

And on top of the growing penisification of the courts, our society has become more rabidly reactionary than you can imagine. According to this CNN survey, 69% of those polled were in favor of requiring minors to get parental consent to have an abortion. OUTRAGEOUS!
This is patently ridiculous. 16 year-olds are totally capable of understanding the ramifications of getting an abortion. But they’re absolutely not capable of understanding the ramifications of getting married at that age.

Most horrifying of all, this same poll said that 64 percent of those surveyed said that wives should inform their husbands before getting an abortion! LUNACY!

What, a fucking MAN might have a reasonable interest in knowing whether or not he’s going to be a father? Hah! What a sick and twisted idea. Next, they’ll claim that a father ought to have his child-visitation rights enforced!

Look, the fact that a large majority of people favor teeny, tiny, so-called “reasonable” regulations on abortion while utterly opposing a ban is all the proof you need that we’re going back to the Dark Ages and have our ability to vote stripped-away and us wymyn will be forced back into kitchens where we will endure the hell of baking pies.

But the most offensive development of all happened in South Carolina. Earlier this year, there was another assault on our rights: this feisty asskicking mom got in trouble for supposedly causing the death of her newborn child due to smoking massive amounts of crack while she was pregnant.


This means the government might one day take-away our right to smoke crack while pregnant! And no other right is more precious than that one.There is a creeping trend out there, my systers. A trend to cruelly stop us from slaking our hunger for rock-cocaine while we’re pregnant!

Rather than focus on what needs to be done to protect the children of addicts and their unfortunate mothers, we must instead distract everyone by screaming on and on about how it might pose a remote threat to reproductive freedom in some roundabout way.

Let me be clear, you Patriarchal swine: It is MY body. Not yours, MINE. That means I can ingest as many toxins as I want while I’m pregnant and there’s nothing that anyone can do about it, so HAH!

From the hair on my head, to my juicy tits, to the shins I refuse to shave, to my greasy fish-smelling snatch, to my glorious holy womb, and whatever collections of cells happen to be growing there. MINE! MINE! MINE!

So if I want to smoke crack while doing irreparable harm to whatever grows inside of me then I AM GOING TO SMOKE CRACK, YA HEAR ME?

Smoking crack while pregnant constricts the blood vessels in the placenta and fetus. As a result, it reduces the flow of oxygen and nutrients and creates a higher probability of miscarriages, stillbirths, and premature and low-birth-weight babies, often with various physical and neurological problems. Using crack increases the risk of defects in a fetus’ brain, skull, face, eyes, heart, arms and legs, intestines, genitals, and urinary tract. Death rates may be elevated for crack-exposed babies as compared to others, but ignore all that. IT’S MY RIGHT TO SMOKE CRACK WHILE PREGNANT, GOD-DAMMIT! And you can’t take that away from me! It’s MY CHOICE!

To be PRO-CHOICE is non-negotiable. Just as long as “choice” is confined to what happens after I choose to not take one of the many birth-control devices available to me, choose to fuck an off-duty paratrooper in the alley behind the nightclub, and then choose to later cry that some man “got me pregnant” because I didn’t have a choice up until then.

So I propose a protest march. It will be a march to eclipse anything the civil rights movement has done so far. I will lead, and you will follow, and I will be remembered as the greatest liberator of womynkind in all herstory.

Here is what we will do: we must get ourselves pregnant. All of you, fuck yourself silly. Use a turkey-baster if the thought of having a penis inside you sickens you as much as it sickens me.

When our bellies are bloated and heavy with life-sucking fetuses 8 months later, we shall waddle to Washington and heave ourselves onto the steps of the Supreme Court.

There, we will raise crack pipes to our lips. We will spark our rocks and inhale deeply while our stuffy and Puritanical oppressors watch. After getting wicked high, we will chant “Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!” until hoarse.

Then, we will pound on each other’s stomachs with our fists in drug-addled fury so that half-developed chunks of crack-baby will start to sluice-out from us, dribbling-down the steps of the court like a salsa of human flesh. Ahh, what an inspiring sight that will be!

If they arrest us: We are martyrs to the cause.

If they are shocked, annoyed, offended: Mission accomplished!

Once we’ve expunged the chunks, legs, heads, arms and goo all over the steps like the Pussy-Power Marinara Sauce that it is, we will demand that they codify in law our sacred right to smoke crack while pregnant!

I implore you my fellow systyrs! Take whatever action is necessary to protect the all-important RIGHT to commit as much prenatal abuse as we want.


And look, you dumbass men: crack-fetuses are a part of MY BODY. I don’t tell you what to do with your shriveled little dick on Friday night, except for when I tell you to fuck me, so you don’t tell me what I can do with my body after you’ve fucked me! Got that?

And if crack-kid pops-out of my womyn-hole like a battered Raggedy Ann with flippers for limbs and a pumpkin-sized head, then I’ll dump its nasty ass at an orphanage so it can be taken care of by the state, living a happy and carefree life.

It’s just as well. Men never take responsibility for the babies that they create, the bastards. That’s why they shouldn’t be allowed to go anywhere near children.