Every so often I’ll deign to give expert advice to the subhuman oppressor-pigs who call themselves “men”. According to feminist ideology, somehow these idiots managed to effectively oppress us wymyn seamlessly for thousands and thousands of years because of their motiveless evil. But a few decades ago, quite suddenly, these ultra-competent, ultra-clever oppressors became too stupid and inept to do anything right. Isn’t that an astonishing turn of events? And that’s why those bungling yet masterfully-oppressive men need the sublime gift of female advice… although they clearly don’t deserve it.
Yes, you men are all a bunch of drooling, low-IQ losers who nonetheless manage to oppress us females using diabolically invisible methods of mind control that only us feminists can discern. But I’m optimistic that not even you are so dim-witted and vile that you can’t comprehend a bit of simple-worded advice from your intellectual betters. (See? I’m not a man-hater. Perish the thought!)
We womyn are your equals, but we’re also your moral superiors because we believe in equality. And we womyn stopped evolving the instant we hit perfection back in the mid-70s, but you swine still have a long way to go before you can reach our dizzying heights of flawlessness. So the advice I’m going to give today is how you clueless fuckwits can avoid being the sexual-harassers that you usually are. (Go get a dictionary because I’m going to use words longer than 8 letters. I know you guys have trouble with those. *smirk*)
To be a vigorous and carefree male today is dirty and wrong!
You are always enjoying improper thoughts and you might occasionally be doing bad things when our backs are turned. Frankly this pisses us righteous womyn off to no end. That’s why we do everything we can to make sure your happiness and ease of mind in the workplace can never come to fruition. So a team of wonderfully prickly, heterophobic and censorious feminist jurists cooked-up a very convenient entrapment-scheme called “sexual harassment”. There were two assumptions on which sexual harassment is based:
First, Male heterosexuality is based on domination and violence but female heterosexuality is based on rainbows and happy thoughts. Therefore females are horribly oppressed by your speech but you are not harmed or bothered by the same speech when it comes from a female. This assumption is necessary to guarantee equal treatment for both sexes.
Second, There are increasing numbers of hard-edged, savvy and self-confident career-womyn entering the workplace and the possibility of you having any heterosexuality at all is absolutely terrifying and beastial to them. It turns out that the hard-edged, savvy and self-confident career-womyn around you are also fragile, easily-hurt orchids who could spontaneously combust from overhearing a risqué pun.
And because we love to politicize personal conflicts (especially conflicts which are not easily solved by intrusive political means), it is your behavior that needs to be reigned-in. For the sake of equality. The fact that feminist lawyers and feminist harassment counselors profit mightily from the resulting suspicion and dischord is a total coincidence.
Are You A Sexual Harasser?
Of course you are, nitwit!
Have you ever made an off-color remark in mixed company? Have you ever stood close to a female in an elevator? Have you ever gestured with your hands in ways that might be interpreted as obscene by a paranoid onlooker across the room? Have you ever dated a co-worker or unsuccessfully asked a co-worker on a date? Did you ever say something that was offensive to an eavesdropping prude? Well I’ve got news for you, buster: THAT MAKES YOU A FILTHY HARASSER FOR WHOM HANGING IS TOO KIND! You are required to change your speech, habits and behavior immediately.
(Special note: if you ever expect me to ever “tone down” my potty mouth or change how I dress or act, then it means you’re a misogynist who is forcing me to wear a burkha. Self-control is for YOU, never for me. Expecting me to adjust my behavior is absolutely outrageous.)
Sexual harassment is not about sex, it’s actually about power. (Special note: SEX is not about sex either, it’s actually about power.) And sexual harassment is not only the making of unwanted sexual advances, but it’s also the failure to make advances when they are wanted by me. Similarly, if you and I were to have a short fling in the workplace (unlikely, but bear with me) and you decide to end the relationship without my consent, then it proves that you were just using me and THAT is a form of sexual harassment. In fact, any behavior I don’t like is harassment. Got it, jerk?
I have the right to go to work without ever getting uncomfortable in any way and everyone else has got to make accomodations to suit my ever-changing emotional hang-ups. Thems the rules, boys. Deal with it. For the sake of equality.
And even though us womyn are equally rough and tough as men, we’re also frail and delicate enough to collapse into quivering heaps of fainting Victorian jelly if you make saucy double-entendres or ribald witticisms. We’re equally strong and aggressive as men but we’re also weak and helpless and need protection from men. Yes, perhaps sexual harassment rules create many opportunities for cynical abuse by unscrupulous and vindictive females due to office politics or personal grudges, but unscrupulous and vindictive females simply DO NOT exist!
Honest, they don’t.
In any sexual-harassment situation, it’ll be my word against your word, and my word ought to carry more weight. Because you, as my equal, lack the sense of fair play and human decency that come so naturally to me.
Always keep these simple rules in mind:
1. Your behavior may create a HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT for female co-workers. A “hostile environment” is defined however the most hypersensitive, Puritanical and erotophobic ice-queen in the office chooses to define it at that particular instant. The burden is on you to figure-out when that is. The victim might not decide she was harassed until several weeks after the fact.
2a. Do not make sexual jokes around me. If another man tells a sexual joke, do not laugh and tell him to stop immediately. However, you must be a good sport whenever I choose to crack a sexual joke or a penis-based insult. Especially the jokes and insults that I make at your expense. Those are hilarious.
2b. Special note: If you’re a gay man, every sexually-charged thing you say is automatically cute and witty.
3. Do not tell me about your love life, I am not interested. If another man tells you about his love life, stick your fingers in your ears and tell him to stop immediately. But my love life is always extremely interesting and it deserves to be heard by everyone within earshot of my booming, throaty voice. Disallowing me to do so would deny me my freedom of expression, so it’s imperative that you let me tell you in graphic detail about the one night I propped my ankles on the couch and had my cat lick Tender Vittles from the folds of my coochie.
4. Do not send me mixed messages. Only I may decide when you are sending them. And I may send-out as many mixed messages as I like. Only I may decide when I am sending them. I can flirt as much as I like, as often as I like. I can squoosh my boobies into your back, rub my hands over your chest, nibble your ear, come-on to you like Madonna in heat. But I also reserve the right to suddenly turn cold and be deathly offended if you respond in a fashion that I don’t care for.
5. Do not wear pants that are ill-fitting lest I see the outlines of your disgusting rape-tool. I may dress however I please. This hot bod of mine is far too gorgeous to keep covered-up, but you mustn’t look at it. Just avert your gaze or gouge your eyes-out or something, I don’t know.
6. Your behavior can and will be placed under a microscope. Almost anything can offend me at any instant, and you have to figure out what I find offensive before I know it myself. My behavior will never be placed under a microscope, for that would be blaming the innocent victim. Anything I do that offends you is proof that you’re a spineless wimp with no sense of humor. Learn to “take a joke”, numb-nuts. I should never have to “take a joke” if I don’t want to.
7. Do not try to date co-workers. Do not ask me out for coffee after work. I have no interest in your putrid loins and the poisonous rape-yogurt contained within. I, however, may date whoever I choose. NO ONE tells this grrrl what to do. That would be sexist.
8. If we ever have an office romance that goes badly, I can seek as much vengeance as I want. You, however, would be an uncouth bastard to do the same.
9. Womyn ought to be allowed to be just as sexually aggressive and lusty as you are– but YOU shouldn’t be allowed to be as sexually aggressive and lusty as you are.
10. Do not put sexually-titillating pictures on or around your desk. (”Titillating” pictures may include head-shots of your wife.) An image of an attractive model in a short skirt is exactly as offensive as a swastika but my Jude Law calendar has got to stay– what a hunk!
What else do you need to remember? Plenty: Watch your mouth. Watch your hands. Watch your filthy mind. Stand-up straight. Clean your fingernails. Tuck-in that shirt. Don’t wear your hair in an offensive way. Don’t breathe so loud. Those socks don’t match that tie. Don’t eat garlic. Wipe that grin off your face, mister. Only YOU can stop sexual harassment. Us womyn can’t be bothered so don’t ask. The snows of suspicion and censure around you will never melt.
And as for the ladies…
No rules for you! Isn’t equality great?
For you, working at the office should be as relaxing and fun as a day at the beach. But how can you protect yourself from harassment? Well my dears, your angelic behavior is always de facto perfect and divine and you don’t have to adjust your habits at all. Not one smidgen. You are the hottest, sexiest most erotic creature in town and everyone ought to know it. Sway those hips after making your PowerPoint show, honey! Be the filthy-talking office-clown who gets lots of laughs. Why not “casually” push your breasts together when asking for a raise? You deserve it all, you goddess-diva you. And us feminists will always deny that you ever act this way.
Yes, being a flirty little sexpot is a great way to rise to the top without having to work too hard. Although you love being hot, you hate getting burned. So if the wrong fellow stares at you, sue the company for gobs of cash. And if someone suggests that your clothing and behavior might’ve “sent signals”, then that’s blaming the victim– which makes you a double-victim.
You can be a sexy-talking, sultry femme fatale when it helps you get that big promotion. You can be a weeping, wounded naif when you want an annoying rival to get fired. And ideally, you should sobbingly make charges that are impossible for the man to disprove. Let’s practice right now:
“He- (Weep!) called me ‘BABE’ when no one else was around! Boo hoo! My virginal ears are bleeding! I’m SO humiliated! I’ll NEVER recover!”
See? It’s easy!
Yup, equality lets you have your cake and eat it too. You can’t lose in this racket, girlfriend.