Two Asshole Boyfriends

So I’ve just been through the wringer again with TWO horrible boyfriends. Jesus Christ, I wish I were a lesbian.

Here’s what happened: I met this guy online through one of those dating websites. I always thought those things were crap, but I thought what the hell? So I met this guy, and we went to dinner. He called, so I of course didn’t offer to pay. Well, we had an okay time, I guess. Actually, I wasn’t all that into him. But I didn’t have anything better to do the following Friday evening when he called, so I said sure, I’d go out with him again. I asked him if we could go to this new place downtown I’ve been wanting to try. It’s a little expensive, but you gotta live a little, right?

So we have dinner again. He pays, of course. That’s one aspect of women’s oppression that I hope we don’t lose. After all, being a woman is so hard, I think we deserve to be treated on dates, don’t you?

Anyway, it wasn’t that great. More of the same. He’s some kind of engineer or something, and he was kind of boring to talk to. Plus he has a little bit of acne, which is just gross, and he has no muscles. I like a guy with muscles. Some girls don’t, but I do.

So then pretty much the same thing happens the NEXT week – we went to another fancy place I wanted to try, it was boring, but he paid, so it was okay. And as he’s dropping me off at my place, he leans over. Well, I could tell he was about to kiss me, so I just smacked him across the face as hard as I could. Horrified, I was about ready to scream rape. He asked me what the fuck I was doing, or somethingl like that, and I was all “What the fuck are YOU doing?” And he gave me some crap about how it was the third date, so we should kiss.


What the fuck? He buys me dinner, so now I OWE him something? What, a woman can’t be treated to dinner by a man anymore without him thinking about sex? I never said I would be giving him anything in “exchange” for dinner. I don’t owe him anything. As a woman, I can do whatever I want.

What a fucktard.

Anyway, so that was the last I saw of that fucking asshole. I was feeling depressed because I always seem to go out with these asshole potential date rapists. So I went to this dumpy bar to see if I could meet somebody normal. Finally I met this really hot guy named Troy. Yep, that was his real name. We hit it off, and I actually went back to his place that night, atlhough it’s very unlike me. By the time we got there, I just couldn’t help myself. I practically jumped on him and we had some absolutely amazing sex, especially considering it was our first time.

So I kept meeting up with Troy a couple times a week for a month or so, and we’d have incredible sex. Actually, when I was on my period, we just sat around and smoked some pot, which was pretty cool. But that was only once or twice.

Anyway, last week I find out that Troy is also sleeping with this other girl. What the FUCK???

So the next time I went to his place, I smacked him across the face as hard as I could. I was practically screaming in his face, I was so mad. And I demanded to know what the fuck he thought he was doing cheating on me.

Well, get this…he said he wasn’t “cheating” on me because we weren’t “a couple.” So I said, “Hey asshole, I let you put your dick in me.” And he was all, “What, so now I owe you something?” And he went off about how neither of us ever said anything about being committed to each other, and it’s not like he owes me something just because I LET HIM PUT HIS DICK IN ME.

Then he said, well, he let me have some of his pot, and that was reallly expensive. No. Fucking. Way. I had had it at this point, so I pushed his TV on the floor and I threw a glass at him. I was going to kick him in the nuts before I left, but I was afraid he might hit me.

I just feel so used. I’m going to call the date rape center, because I think this counts.

Ban Patriachal Pregnancy NOW!

I have just realized something that is utterly shocking, scary, and makes me want to kill. Kill men. Make that kill all da white men. Kill some latino men too, I guess, and some Asian men. On second thought, I think we need to kill all penis carriers.

As if all the violence against women in this country is not enough, science is progressing at such a rate that maybe women won’t be needed at all. Sisters, if you thought we had successfully infiltrated science in order to remove all logic and rationality from it so that it served only us, you might be wrong. I’m not totally sure of this yet, but something truly frightening occurred to me. Now, I have a headache and I’m not even trying to avoid sex with my stupid boyfriend.

You see, I put one plus one together and came up with two. Yes, yes … of course that is supposed to be three, but this time it added up to two!! I pray to Goddess that this is not true. Let me explain:

OK, first remember how we were all so excited about the artificial wombs that scientists are developing? (The complicated and hard to spell and remember word for artificial wombs is ectogenesis). These wombs could allow us to carry a baby naturally but without having our bodies savaged. The patriarchy wants our bodies to be savaged and destroyed while carrying their nasty little babies; traditional pregnancy is just another form of oppression. We thought that with these artificial wombs combined with cloning, we could have our babies on our own, or in wholesome lesbian couples and communes, and never have a need for patriarchal, penis carrying sperm factories again. Right?

Well, think again, sisters. Then I was reading one of those pseudo progressive city papers that pretend to care about the same causes we do, but then run ads for prostitutes. On the back of this paper, there were ads from fertility clinics offering to buy eggs from women!

(What woman would sell their eggs anyway? We need them so we can get pregnant because without our ability to get pregnant how can we generate hysteria about abortion rights? Plus, we need to have some children naturally of men because we need to make them pay child support! How can we live without tax-free child support?!)

Now, here is the first “one”: A man can use an artificial womb too. That’s right! There is no reason he can’t.

Here is the other “one”: This man could buy an egg from a fertility clinic! He could even shop for it, comparing pictures and features of women, just like he is shopping for a car.

Now, put those together and you get “two.” A man can have children without having one of us around to provide the egg and the womb. He doesn’t even have to wait for cloning! Or, maybe he is ugly and doesn’t want to be cloned! He could have a child using the egg of a beautiful woman! That means he won’t be buying any of our eggs!

As if that is not bad enough, think about this: Men could essentially loose all need for women like us. They could simply do deals with reasonable and attractive women. They could even only buy eggs from third world countries. We would not be able to use our vagina, our womb, and our eggs to trap a man into a life of hell. The sisterhood of feminists might actually die out!

Sisters, we must start complaining. We must not let this happen. The first step is to elect Hillary Rodham so that she can ban all importation of donor eggs. The second step is to ban all male use of ectogenesis.

When used by males, ectogenesis is another word for “violence against women.” We already have the Violence Against Women Act, so we can use it to ban patriarchal propagation through artificial wombs.

And, if all of that does not work, we must stop the violence by killing all of the penis carriers. It might be time for the Final Solution.

Another Loathsome Product of the Patriarchy

The vile Patriarchy– that sadistic social force which oppresses all womyn– has done it again: they’ve approved a vaccine which could prevent nearly all instances of cervical cancer.

As every feminist knows, our society does not value female life and wimmin’s needs are always ignored. Therefore a medical advance like this one could not have come into existence.

Injecting us with this vaccine requires us to be jabbed with needles several times; this amounts to violence against our precious bodies. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Merck’s senior director of clinical vaccine research who oversaw the product development is named Dr. Eliav Barr– which makes him a FUCKING MAN!

(Initiate the righteous ridicule!)

Why didn’t he help to invent a vaccine to stop rape?? Does he think this advance in womyn’s health gets him off the hook? He’s got a long way to go before he works-off the debt he owes us because he’s part of the problem!

How can this precious vaccine– and almost every other vaccine and lifesaving technology out there– have sprung from the mind of a testosterone-addled, womyn-killing oppressor?

The only reasonable explanation is that Dr. Barr stole this liquid from a selfless wommyn inventor who was denied her moment of public glory. After all, it is womyn who are superior at life-giving and healing while men create only death, destruction and misery. Grr! When I find this Dr. Barr, I’ll tape bloody tampons to his face.

Anyway, we feminists believe that the biological sciences are highly suspect. All of that talk about viral “invasions” and “defenses” underscores the warlike white male prism through which the human body is viewed. And consider all of the time they waste on testing, testing, testing. All of those rules of empiricism and the mathematically-based analysis which follows. In a laboratory there is scarcely any talk about feelings, consciousness-raising or paradigm-shifting. No wonder there are so few feminist vaccinologists!

The heavily gendered distortions of modern biology, in conjunction with its methodological fetishism, often passes unnoticed or ignored. Biology needs to be exposed for what it really is: a male chauvinist pig of a discipline, suffering from severe monomania and small-dick insecurity issues. A proper feminist perspective on biology would be more inclusive and stem from our unique social experiences because our oppression gives us a special insight into the nature of reality.

Indeed, I would have to say that we feminists are far more gifted at finding male bias within a given discipline than actually coming-up with alternative ways of dealing with the subject. And that’s okay because creating a feminist “critique” of a branch of scientific study is intellectually equivalent to re-inventing the branch from scratch. And it is fair to say that a feminist is a person who wants to see more female careers in the hard sciences– but they must be the careers of other females and never herself.

So as part of our never-ending Stoic Opposition To Dominant Sexual Zeitgeists, I’m recommending that we gyrrlcott this vaccine and every other medical advance that has been developed by useless men during their 10,000 years of oppression.

This includes sterilization, antibiotics, anaesthetics, ambulances, defibrillators, public sanitation, x-rays, vitamin supplements, syringes, MRI scanners, blood-banks, heart & lung machines, Pap-smears, birth control and almost every other medical idea dating back to Hippocrates.

If we ever fall ill, we will use radium. Lots and lots of radium. Whatever that is.

That ought to teach the Patriarchy a lesson!

On This Day in Herstory…

… in 1892 the bodies of Andrew Jackson Borden and Sarah Morse Borden were discovered in their home in Fall River, Massachusetts. They’d been hacked to bits with an axe.

Needing some vagina-having slut to blame, the patriarchy took the Borden daughter Lizzie into custody.


Being a feisty ass-kicking womyn who can do no wrong, Lizzie claimed innocence and was the true victim of the trial despite the preponderance of evidence against her. So great was her mental anguish that she swooned in the courtroom, winning much sympathy from the all-male jury, who eventually found her not guilty.

Once again, this demonstrates how impossible it is for a womyn to get justice in this man’s world which always conspires to keep the Systyrhood down.

If Lizzie was a fuckin’ MAN, would the trial have turned-out the way it did? Of course not! The Patriarchy always protects its favorites. Sure, a male version of Lizzie wouldn’t have gotten sympathy by fainting at the trial but never mind.

Many years after she was found not guilty, Lizzie became the subject of my favorite nursery rhyme:

Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother forty whacks.
When she saw what she had done
She gave her father forty-one.

Ha ha ha! Good times…

Today, feminist jurists help to keep Lizzie Borden alive by constantly cooking-up new excuses for women who go on trial for murder. Hopefully, accused female killers can be given a chance to exploit chivalrous and paternalistic social traditions that we feminists would otherwise profess to despise.

And if you read our blogs whenever a high-profile female killer comes into the news, we’ll often manage to manufacture torturously convoluted explanations that no one would otherwise buy.

Andrea Yates? Sure, she waited until her husband left the house, locked the doors and took her 5 kids one by one (going from weakest to strongest) into the bathroom and brutally held them under water until they stopped breathing but that doesn’t make her a killer. She was trying to save them from the devil! Why doesn’t she get kudos for trying to protect them?

Why, she even chased one kid through the house and dragged him back to the tub to finish the job. A less-dedicated mom would’ve given-up the chase far more easily!

Happily, Andrea’s earlier conviction for murder was recently overturned by reason of insanity. Insanity brought-on by our womyn-hating society which bombards her with images of skinny fashion models and wage-gaps. She was depressed and it’s only natural for a depressed mother to kill her kids. And she wasn’t in a state of mind to know that killing kids is wrong which is why she waited for her husband to leave the house before she did it.

Adding to her grief, now she’s left without children. No mother should ever have to witness the death of her own babies. Some might call this “chutzpah”, but we feminists prefer to call it “having sympathy for the real victim”.

Look, it’s very simple: the kids popped-out of her pussy, they belong to her and she’s free to destroy her kids however she wants. She drowned her kids using her body and no fuckin’ patriarchy can tell a womyn what not to do with her body. The end.

And what about the husband in all this, huh? It’s his fault for leaving her alone with them! Why the fuck does he get off the hook? Fuckin’ men.

What if a Texas MAN had drowned five kids in a bathtub? Would the patriarchy condescendingly stigmatize him as being ‘insane’? NO! He’d be called a spree killer and be put in the electric chair a Cool Dude and be given a warm handshake. Grr!

And check-out this vagina warrior: A mother accused of cutting off part of her son’s tongue with hot scissors avoided a 5-year prison sentence and was sentenced to 10 years probation. YES!

It’s about time that fuckin’ kid learned to watch what comes-out of his bandage-filled mouth. That bastard probably learned a well-deserved lesson. In fact, I’m 100% sure that the punishment would’ve been similar if the dad had cut-out his son’s tongue in the same way.

And if the father doesn’t pony-up enough cash to pay for speech-therapy, the mom ought to raise hell!

Remembering Ms. Borden fills me with hope and a desire to emulate her example. We feminists look forward to a day when we can shave “Get-Out Of Jail Free” into our pussy hair after killing or maiming whoever we want.

Equality fuckin’ ROCKS!

Duke U. Womyn’s Lacrosse Team = Mindless Stepford Wives

If this doesn’t turn your stomach, my systyrs, then nothing will:

Duke’s Womyn’s Lacrosse Players Support The Men’s Team!

Brainwashed traitors!

Yes, the women’s lacrosse team of Duke is planning on wearing sweatbands saying “innocent” in their upcoming game against Northwestern!!!

Just look at this picture and tell me what you see:


Do you see a group of independent-thinking college womyn who know how to stand-up for what they believe in?

NO!! You see disgustingly WEAK and MINDLESS fools who collude in their own oppression while silencing noble exotic dancers of color!!

These unthinking idiots are so deeply manipulated by Patriarchy that they don’t comprehend the extent to which white, middle-class college-womyn are victimized in 21st century America. The Patriarchy has duped them all into standing in solidarity with the vilest creatures in the whole universe: whiteaccused rapists!!

Why don’t they just go get themselves some kneepads and mouthwash if they’re going to suck-off the Patriarchy’s phallus like that? GRRRRR!!!

What this indicates is that the female lacrosse players at Duke U feel that the accused rapists have characters decent enough to suggest that they likely did not do what they are suspected of doing. But we feminists duly understand that those Duke accused rapists are completely and utterly guilty of everything!

They’re guilty despite the complete lack of DNA evidence against them. They’re guilty despite the fact that the District Attorney badly wants to use this case as a platform for his own re-election campaign and has arguably engaged in witness intimidation in a mad scramble to shore-up his shaky case. And they’re especially guilty despite the fact that the accuser’s story has changed over time and can barely stand-up to scrutiny or in-depth thought. Ignore all of that because all you need to know is womyn never make false rape accusations. So there.

And if a womyn would ever do such a thing, then falsely accusing men of rape is a great way of raising their awareness about how womyn never make false accusations.

Indeed, if we feminists had our way this whole “due process” bullshit would be completely discarded for these kinds of situations. In fact, the doctrine of “presumed innocent” has been pretty much discarded already. As it ought to be.

No evidence should be necessary beyond a womyn’s word alone.

In fact, a womyn should be allowed to make rape accusations anonymously.

Against anyone she likes.

Through the mail.

And the envelope shouldn’t even need a stamp, dammit!

The Duke lacrosse team is 100% GUILTY due to their loathsome penis-owning. And even if they didn’t actually rape anyone, they could have raped someone and that is sufficient grounds for them to be shot in the head to make other potential rapists think twice in future.

In protest, we feminists should wear sweatbands emblazoned with “Kill Those Nazi Rapists!” as a way of precisely counteracting the ones which say “Innocent”.

Just to leave no stone unturned, we should also demand that every penisbearer at Duke be strung-up by his vicious genitals so that every womyn can feel safe and secure that she will not be attacked as she asserts her Goddess-given right to remove her clothes for moderately-sized wads of cash wherever and whenever she wants to.

I Have Been Potentially Raped Hundreds of Trillions of Times

My systyrs, we live in a rape-culture!

Rape is a cultural norm. Even though it’s considered socially deviant behavior and is outlawed in every state and is regarded as one of the most heinous crimes, it’s still a social norm.

And although it would be truly aberrant for a screaming woman to be attacked in full view on a public street in the middle of the day while random passers-by take turns brutalizing her as the police refuse to intervene, we feminists believe that this is exactly what happens all the time. And the fact that you don’t see that happening outside your window right this second only proves that it’s too commonplace to even notice.

The rape culture is all around us, my systyrs. Always implicitly hanging over our heads. And we feminists are hated merely because we question it. Some bastards out there even accuse feminists of believing that all sex is rape. Lies!

No, we don’t think that “all sex is rape”. We just believe that heterosexual sex is inherently coercive of women. And we believe that any ambiguous sexual misunderstanding is de facto rape. And we believe that a woman’s ‘yes’ can actually mean ‘no’ if she changes her mind several weeks after the fact. So the stupid “all sex is rape” canard has not even a grain of truth.

It’d be more accurate to say that we believe acts of rape to far outnumber acts of consensual sex, with the latter being truly rare because most females are brainwashed into stupidity by patriarchy so they cannot give reasonable consent.

Look: sex is only rape whenever a heterosexual man is in the room. Okay? Simple.

But now I must to get to the heart of this entry. As I have testified in the past, no cock is big or hard enough to create a pleasing friction within the hallowed, haddock-scented hallway between my legs. And yet I am deathly afraid that an act of penetration by such a terror-inducing organ will one day maim me beyond repair and rob my hot juicy cunt of its pristine magnificence.

Just the other night I was drunkenly staggering down a darkened alley in a crime-ridden, crack-dealing part of town while wearing a “FCUK ME!” t-shirt because it is my right to avoid common sense while expecting my absolute safety to be guaranteed at all times.

Suddenly, I heard a noise. I whirled-around and… there was no one. Nothing happened.

But… something could have happened!

I had been POTENTIALLY raped!

And the following realizations came quickly: every second in which I am not raped is a second in which I was potentially raped by the world’s 3 billion potential rapists.

And I did the math: since there are over 86,000 seconds in a day, I am potentially raped a minimum of 256 trillion times per day! Ever since then, I have started to keep track.

Some bastards out there will say “Amynda, you’re talking nonsense.” But that refuses to acknowledge the latest findings of feminist philosophy: there is no fundamental difference between being raped and not being raped. Here is why:

“Not being raped” means to define one’s situation as having an absence of rape. Or to put it more accurately, it is to live in a state of non-rape. Non-rape is defined by the default state of being raped, so the state of rape controls the boundaries of the state of non-rape. Rape is a form of control and the definition of non-rape is controlled by rape. Therefore, being raped is not fundamentally different from not being raped. (I got an A on that paper, can you tell?)

Because we live in a universe of unlimited possible outcomes, the billions of rapes that didn’t happen to me a minute ago were exactly as damaging as the trillions more which haven’t happened yet but could potentially happen. Potentially.

And once you have been potentially raped in a ridiculously enormous number of instances like I have been, the scars remain invisible. And for you to suggest that I might’ve asked for what I didn’t get is blaming the potential victim who didn’t get something against her will which she didn’t ask for.

And it potentially happened again just now!

Every time I blink my eyes is yet another occasion on which I could have been raped. An occasion which was fundamentally no different than any other occasion in which I was not actually raped but could have been. And no one noticed, as if this were ‘normal’.

Even more frightening are the statistics which I can pull-out of my butt: 1 out of every 1 womyn will be potentially raped tens of billion of times every second of her life. That’s a 100% rate! And this holds true regardless of race, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, eye color and shoe size. Age is not a factor either: potential rape can potentially happen at any instant between birth and cremation.

The worst part of being potentially raped is that my potential rapists, all 3 billion of them, walk around without punishment, free to potentially rape me again and again. And again and again and again. And again.

They know that they can potentially get-away with potentially raping me and no one will ever try to stop them from doing something that they’re not doing but might conceivably do. And our potential rape-culture calls me unreasonable for objecting to the fact that all potentially guilty men are not being punished for what they have not actually done but might do some day.

Yes, I put the blame where it belongs: squarely on men’s shoulders. Because of their failure to make potential rape into a non-existent thing, it means that all men are potentially complicit in potential rape. Except for the gay ones (and I don’t fully trust them either because the potential still remains.)

And what, society is going to blame me, a slut, for being a potential rape victim? Play the old game of blaming the potential victim who potentially brought it on herself? Oh yeah, how typical. Gee, I sure wouldn’t want something small and trivial like trillions of potential rapes which aren’t actually happening to me this very second to interrupt your important business. Maybe I’ll spread my legs to make it easier for all of you to potentially rape me another 3 billion times sirs?

Well this slut refuses to remain silent about the impossibly huge numbers of fictional things that have not happened to her!

Potential rape can take more insidious forms as well.

Whenever my ears could be penetrated by a masculine voice, it is potential aural-rape.

Whenever my eyes could be assaulted by visions of ugly men with too much hair on their backs, it is potential visual-rape.

Whenever carbon dioxide molecules exhaled by a phallocrat could brutally force their way into my delicate lungs, it is potential respiratory-rape.

Whenever I might catch a glimpse of a uterus-enslaving man on tv, it is potential tele-rape.

Whenever I could get an unwanted E-mail from some penis-owning manpig, it is potential E-rape.

The list goes on and on, compounding the trillions upon trillions of tragic things that never happened to me but might have happened in my most fevered nightmares. Not only does this amplify the scale of the crimes, it deepens the pool of sisterhood because we are all potential victims, my systyrs. Every last one of us.

But I consider myself to be lucky: I am a potential survivor of the many googolplexes of tragic things that might get inflicted upon me as I sit here alone in this locked room.

My systyrs, the astronomical amount of stuff which didn’t happen to us a second ago must not be allowed to happen to us ever again.

How Have YOU Been Oppressed Today?

It is quite true that I live every day of my life being gorgeously oppressed. But today I was slightly more gorgeously oppressed than normal. I am now using a university library computer to type this entry; it will soon become clear as to why.

Earlier this afternoon, I was sitting in my apartment. Of course I was being a feisty feminist hellcat as I always am. Suddenly… the lights went out. As did every appliance. Had I been electro-raped?

“Damn you, Patriarchy!” I screamed at the ceiling. “If it weren’t for men, there wouldn’t be any darkness!”

Snatching-up the phone, I dialed the customer service number for the electric utility. After pushing some buttons to summon the service rep, I was unpleasantly surprised by the voice of a vile manpig.

I instantly demanded to know why the lights had gone off. The moronic penis-lugger mumbled some crap about me “not paying” some so-called “bill” blah blah blah. Bullshit, all.

MEN! Always with the cold-blooded “explanations”.

“Enough!” I shot-back. “This is another Patriarchal conspiracy to oppress my tits and make my pussy feel bad about itself! But I see through your plan and refuse to tremble before the destructive forces of your cock!”

So devestating was my wit, the voice went silent. Perhaps he was stunned by my exposure of his dastardly little plot. It was at that point that I hung-up without further ado. And the creepy rapist-wannabe was probably jacking-off to my voice anyway.

I have no need for Patriarchal electricity. How many womyn have been victimized by MEN’S high voltage lines? Too many!

Without missing a beat, I dug-out my scented candles and lit them. They were hand-dipped at a lesbian wicca commune, making them full of that lesbiany wiccany goodness that we all need so badly to counteract our penis-dominated lives.

But this tale has a happy ending: I had become a survivor!

So I invite you all to post in this thread about how YOU, a white middle-class college womyn, has been ever-so gorgeously oppressed recently. Did you recover from it? Or do you need a support group to offer succor and sympathy about all the grievances which you’ve suffered at the hands of men in the last 30 minutes?

Our Right to Vote is About to Be Repealed!

I have no proof of this.

But I do have proof of one thing: you can’t trust the Patriarchy.

I had a terrible dream last night. An omyn of things to come…

We finally elected a female President. And when she went to the UN, she was raped by the other male heads of state! Right there on the floor of the Economic and Social Council Chamber. On live TV.

This could actually happen one day!

Eternal vigilance, my systyrs. We can’t let our guard down- not even for one second.

My Latino Boyfriend Broke-Up With Me!!

Well Gyrls, it finally happened.

The man whom I had generously allowed into my personal space has let me down for the last time! (Cue the lighting bolts and thunder!)

My Latino boyfriend, who proves that I am not a man-hater, is now my EX-Latino boyfriend!

God damn piece of shit! PATRIARCHAL RAPE-TOOL HAVER!

Yes I really am THAT angry, systers! I am so angry that I am perfectly calm. This level of fury has never before been exposed on this site and I hope any manpig reading this is torn to shreds by its force. Let this be a warning! Men really ARE the evil abusers we feminists routinely (and perfectly fairly) characterize them as. And I am surviving proof of it! I know you share my pain in a completely powerful and fulfilling way so I feel safe telling you about the horror of the last few days…

I won’t go into the details of our prior “association” (the mere thought that he came anywhere near me with the barbarous device he calls “genitalia” fills me with dread) however I had always felt that this “man” was more of a “lady” than anything else. Before anyone takes that as an insult (how could any MAN ever compare to womyn’s glory I ask you??) you should know that he really did behave like a proper lady-boy. I obviously and unfortunately mistook him as being a SAFE male because he was NO such thing!

His meek little act and deceptively callow physique only allowed him to fraudulently ensnare me with his evil male gaze!

How did I come to realize this and escape his grasping man-claws? In an instant of carelessness, a crack formed in his little facade and I was too clever to miss it.

It happened when we were alone together, waching my “Thelma and Louise” DVD for the 53,143th time. Just after the bit when the guy said “bitch” and Thelma righteously shot him, my ex-Latino boyfriend said: “You know, this film is starting to feel a little stale.”

My mouth dropped open and that’s when I slapped the dickless loser across the back of his pitiful little pin-head!

Instead of thanking me for freeing his mind of such crazy thoughts, he suddenly looked hurt and bewildered… I mean WTF?! If he’s hurt by a little playful slapping then how can he STAND-UP FOR ME in the face of other men? I mean, I handle myself really well of course but the powerful Patriarchal rape-squads like the ones at Duke U parties are simply more than any powerful womyn like me can fight on her own. And since the rape-squads are literally EVERYWHERE, you can see how dire the situation is!

I started callling him every bad word I can. Deservedly so! After a forty-minute yelling tirade, (which is unusually short by my standards) I left the swine crying in the living room.

Once I realized that he had NO INTENTION OF PROTECTING ME and was merely using me for his own twisted pleasure, I resolved to rush-out to an emergency counseling session to help me avoid this kind of dishonest trap again.

And he even said that he “loved” me. (PUKE!) As if men can possibly feel love in the vast and infinite way womyn feel it!

Also, I’m pretty sure that the stupid little boy raped me at some point, though it might be a repressed memory.

So ex-boyfriend is GONE now gyrrrls, and there really are NO GOOD MEN out there. Now I am free to pursue the goals of universal systerhood to the benefit of us all. My fury and destructive power knows no bounds and no more mercy will be shown to the oppressor classes!

And you’d better believe that my next Latino boyfriend will know how to watch his mouth.