Why Bother With Mere Equality When Ekwalitee™ is So Much Better?

As you are all aware, us feminists love equality so very much.

The feminist brand of equality is SO wonderful, it could actually be considered New and Improved Equality.

Hey, maybe it deserves to have a special brand-name? Something like… Ekwalitee™!

Yeah, that looks pretty cool.

Also wonderful is that there are so many situations out there in which Ekwalitee™ is present. For instance, The Los Angeles Marathon will start on March 19th, and here is the best thing about it:

The Sunday, March 19 event will once again include the newly-named Banco Popular Challenge, in which the professional women will be given a head start over the professional men

That’s right! Us womyn are just as good as men, which is why we must be given a head start. We’re just as strong, which is why we must be treated as if we are weaker.

You know, the only thing us feminists ever ask for is a level playing field for womyn. A playing field where no one gets an advantage which is conferred on the basis of sex. That’s why we hardly ever protest a situation in which the playing field is wantonly slanted in womyn’s favor. Because we love Ekwalitee™ so much.

Remember when you were in kindergarten and boys would win a game too many times? Remember how the teacher would trundle over, wag her finger and scold them with guilt-based admonishments like: “Let the girls win!” or “Let the girls go first!” Remember how that worked?

Just think of modern feminism as a really BIG schoolmarm. A hundred-foot-tall finger-wagging headmistress who continually hectors everyone with reminders of “Let the girls win!” and “Let the girls go first!”

Because girls need lots and lots of Ekwalitee™!

In fact, us feminists are constantly ready to argue that womyn should be given head starts, extra points, less-stringent standards, special exemptions from rules, special assistance, special programs, special bonuses, unlimited second chances and much much more. We also demand that womyn be be protected from humiliating defeats at the hands of men while we simultaneously celebrate any humiliating defeat inflicted upon men.

We consider it unfair and immoral whenever any system doesn’t let womyn emerge victorious 50% of the time. Systems in which womyn win more than 50% of the time are de facto fair and just.

For Ekwalitee™ is what it’s all about, honey. Isn’t that splendid?

Sadly, Ekwalitee™ doesn’t always get applied as much as it ought to be:

As proof of the excitement that the Banco Popular Challenge brings to the race, in 2005 [Mr.] Saina passed [Ms.] Denisova in the 26th mile after she was awarded a 15 minute and 50 second head start.

Despite giving her more than a 15 minute head start, she still didn’t come in first place. Grrr! Do you know what that means, my systyrs? There wasn’t enough Ekwalitee™ in that competition.

It’s very clear what must be done: in order to enter the Banco Popular Challenge, the men should all be required to wear blindfolds.

Because if a womyn runs in tight shorts, her male competitors will stare at her jiggling buttocks. All of those leering male eyes will create a hostile environment which will prevent pitiably vulnerable womyn from winning their fair share. Blindfolding the male runners will result in a truly Ekwal™ competition and make it so that the womyn can have an Ekwal™ chance to emerge victorious.

And if that doesn’t do the trick, then maybe mens’ ankles ought to have 30-kilogram weights strapped to them?

Us feminists ultimately yearn for a world of Ekwalitee™ in which every womyn can enjoy the hollow feeling of accomplishment that comes with winning a rigged game.

Always remember Ekwalitee™ my systyrs. Accept no substitutes!