We feminists represent the voice of all women everywhere.
To some folks, the above statement might appear to be supremely puffed-up and arrogant.
Those folks are complete assholes. Just ignore them.
It is very true that we are self-appointed spokespersons and that nobody actually voted for us to speak for all women. But that’s perfectly OK since most women are too brainwashed and childlike to know what’s in their best interests anyway. We feminists just have better ways of knowing that stuff.
That’s where The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism I and The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism II come in!
These are the hallowed sources of wisdom for every 21st-century grrrl who demands equality and freedom while reserving the right to play Angry Lil’ Victim when things don’t work out.
One fortuitous thing is that we feminists never need to bother with any of the zillion paradoxes within our circular, non-empirical ideology. That’s because our belief system can become a fantabulous occult force which saturates the world around us like cinnamon-magic. It answers every question without ever explaining anything.
For instance, feminism is what allows us to think that a book like Whores and Other Feminists which praises porn stars for their “liberation” does NOT contradict a book like The Beauty Myth, which argues that sexual images are oppressive. We feminists can consider both books to be completely true despite their supposed “mutually incompatible theses”.
If somebody asks too many questions about this, we simply retort “There are MANY feminisms” so all contradictions get safely hidden beneath smiley-face “Grrl Power” stickers.
And we never run-out of stickers, baby!
So I invite you to turn-off those Patriarchal “critical thinking” skills and enjoy the latest installment of The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism:
25. Ovaries good, testicles bad.
26. We believe every woman should have unrestricted access to any kind of abortion, no questions asked. We also believe that abortion should be tightly restricted in China to prevent millions of potential girls from being robbed of their lives.
27. If the Chinese were to abort only boys, that’d be so cool.
28. We feminists must demand aristocratic levels of deference while never behaving with aristocratic levels of gentility.
29. We must grouse continuously about traditionalist expectations of women while we conveniently forget to pay half the check on our dinner-dates.
30. Men avoid us because we’re too gosh-darned smart.
31. If a man works 60 hours a week to support a wife who cooks and cleans, the man is a lazy shit who exploits his wife.
32. If a woman works 60 hours a week to support a husband who cooks and cleans, the man is a lazy shit who exploits his wife.
33. If the majority of women do not call themselves feminists, the root problem lies with the majority of women and not with feminism.
34. We demand respect for all women and their diversity. That is why we dismiss, infantilize, mock or denigrate stay-at-home moms, traditionalist women, pro-life women, Republican women, Catholic women, Protestant women, Mormon women, Orthodox Jewish women, Muslim women who don’t object to hijab standards, Hindu women who don’t object to dowries, women who care about their weight, women who wear cosmetics, female researchers who study innate behavioral sex-differences, women who look forward to marriage, women who warn about giving birth after the age of 40, sorority sisters, cheerleaders, girls who like playing with dolls and any other woman who doesn’t slavishly dance to our tune. Except for them, we demand respect for ALL women and their diversity!
35. Falsely accusing a man of rape is a great way of raising his consciousness.
36. If a teacher were to beat black boys more than white boys, we’d excoriate him for hateful discrimination. If the same teacher beat only boys, that’d be fine.
So go forth my systyrs and continue the war against the men in our lives. The fathers, husbands, and sons who love and support us– all of those bastards must pay!
As always, you are welcome to submit your own Sweet Pink Rule for the next installment.