It’s been a long time since my update, but I assure you that’s it’ll be well worth the wait for what I have to tell you…
In a glorious turn of events, the wholly-qualified Yours Truly has been designated head Blogmistress for John Edwards’s presidential campaign!
What’s a Blogmistress? It’s the non-fuckheaded designation for a vagina-bearing persyn who writes intertron-words, you fucking fuck.
And I know what everyone is wondering: Why me?
Well, I deserve it. Nyah!
And why John Edwards, the multimillionaire former tort-lawyer?
This is a good question.
Why is it that after years of ranting about wealthy white penis-wielding politicians who control all the wealth and won’t give womyn (and maybe some minorities) their fair share… I’m wetting myself over the prospect of finally working for one?
Why is it that after years of staunchy resisting American Blood-For-Oil Imperialism in Iraq… I’m creaming my thong about joining the team of a former Senator who voted to authorize the use of military force against Iraq?
Why is it that after denigrating all those religious assholes out there who pollute this country by worshipping a penis-bearing oppressor “god” instead of the Smegmatic Moon Goddess of Nine Vaginas… I’m going to bite my tongue about a man who wants their votes?
And why is it that after railing endlessly against the inky-black corrupt evilness of the Patriarchy… I’m perfectly happy to accept the Patriarchy’s junkets, paid-for trips, free buffets, catered lunches and all that other neato VIP stuff that comes with serving it?
Well, I’ll tell you why: I’m a-takin’ the whole system down from the inside, baby! That’s why!
That’s right, you heard it right here: I shall use my moderate amount of authority to wield power behind the scenes. This is something that womyn can never do because men oppress them too much. Even though we’re exactly as strong and smart as they are, we’ve always ended-up being oppressed slaves for some reason.
Bad luck or something.
Well anyway, as the power behind the scenes I plan to ooze the righteous creed of anger-based feminism across this rotted, goddessless nation!
Soon all phallic symbols- every missile, skyscraper, airplane, and cigar- will all be transformed into a much more aesthetically pleasing (and somewhat less oppressive) cunt-shape!
Oh, and as an aside, to counter any right-wing assfucks who try to tell me that this is “impossible” and against the fascist and MALE-CENTERED “laws of engineering,” we’ll be changing that shit as well. So stop whining already, you fuckstains.
Not only that, but I plan to help the Edwards campaign bring-in the votes that are important: the tantra-wicca vote, the lesbian punk-rocker vote, the crack-mom vote… and the REAL feminist vote… you know, none of those half-assed “equality before the law” sellout types who lack the self-esteem to demand all the free stuff that womyn are owed.
I SUPPOSE men can vote for Edwards if they want to, but if I have any say it’ll be the last time those assholes ever get a chance.
If I have any say in the matter, the 2008 election would be the last hurrah of the Patriarchy. No matter how much it hurts.
Perhaps within three years, all men will be barefoot and chained to a stove by their dicks, forced to cook dinner and birth babies until they die? This is EXACTLY the kind of thing that happened to womyn for thousands of years.
But this is simply going to be beautiful! Using my power of owning a website (not an easy task on the cock-dominated intermatrix!), I will write words – Words straight from my glorious runny vagyna!
But now I’m packing-off to North Carolina.
By the hairs on my tits, I vow to single-handedly drive Edwards into the White House in 2008. The Patriarchy won’t know what hit ‘em!