The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism

Been away for a while and it’s good to be back.

It’s often been said that feminism is about equality. But it’s also been said very often that feminism is about choice. So which is it?

Well sometimes us feminists get so wrapped-up in our incessant self-celebration and self-congratulations that we forget which of the above statements is the one that we prefer. So I’d like to straighten a few things out here.

Feminism is about choice, and the first “choice” is what you want “equality” to mean.

That choice can be tough. Do you want “equality” to mean having your cake and eating it too, or do you want it to mean eating your cake and having it too?

Fortunately, the feminist kind of “choice” allows you to change the rules of “equality” depending on what you want at that particular instant or depending on what helps your friends and hurts your enemies. This kind of thing is pretty easy because “equality” sounds nice and it can mean anything you want it to mean.

For instance: Does “equality” mean that a lawbreaking female ought to be punished as harshly as a man who commits the same crime? Puke! That kind of equality is no fun so us feminists won’t work-up a sweat agitating for that.

But if it benefits you to claim that womyn are equally tough as men to function in the workplace, then womyn are equally tough as men. And if it benefits you to claim that womyn are weak and frail victims of Patriarchy who need special assistance to ensure “equality” in the workplace, then womyn are weak and frail. And if “equality” requires womyn to be favored openly, then playing favorites is needed for “equal treatment”

All this stuff suuure is convenient, isn’t it?

And don’t worry if you’re a bit confused by this. Being a feisty ass-kicking feminist is not very difficult at all because it frees you from the onerous burdens of honesty and intellectual consistency.

So to be a feminist, you don’t even have to be particularly intelligent nowadays as long as you parrot the appropriate slogans and understand a few simple rules: The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism!

1. Feminism requires you to talk about “equality” for both sexes but some sexes are more equal than others.

2. God could be a womyn, but the devil is most certainly a man.

3. We’re equal to men, and this makes us morally superior to them.

4. We are equally capable of doing anything a man can do and men can’t do anything right.

5. We must scorn behavior which is associated with stereotypical masculinity while whooping with praise when the same behavior is exhibited by womyn.

6. We must demand that womyn be allowed into military combat because we’re equally capable of smashing-in the faces of vicious terrorists. But we also laugh at the idea that a husband could be the victim of a wife’s physical abuse because everyone knows that women are never violent.

7. We seek to stop “violence against womyn” but girl-on-girl violence and lesbians who batter their partners don’t bother us quite as much.

8. We attack the gender-stereotypes that portray womyn negatively as we gleefully embrace the ones that portray womyn positively. It’s customary to invert this rule for “you-know-who”.

9. Helping womyn succeed is not nearly as satisfying as seeing men fail.

10. “Power” in the hands of men is always destructive, selfish, tyrannical and harmful. This same “Power” in the hands of womyn is always democratic, nurturing, honest, good for the environment and good for humanity.

11. Men of quality support womyn’s equality but womyn never have to do anything to prove that they are “of quality”.

12. Finally, us feminists are absolutely not anti-male and that’s why we rarely have any positive things to say about those penis-having bastards.

Sadly, I need to draw this list to a close today. In the future I’ll list more Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism because there are always PLENTY MORE like the ones above!