Two Asshole Boyfriends

So I’ve just been through the wringer again with TWO horrible boyfriends. Jesus Christ, I wish I were a lesbian.

Here’s what happened: I met this guy online through one of those dating websites. I always thought those things were crap, but I thought what the hell? So I met this guy, and we went to dinner. He called, so I of course didn’t offer to pay. Well, we had an okay time, I guess. Actually, I wasn’t all that into him. But I didn’t have anything better to do the following Friday evening when he called, so I said sure, I’d go out with him again. I asked him if we could go to this new place downtown I’ve been wanting to try. It’s a little expensive, but you gotta live a little, right?

So we have dinner again. He pays, of course. That’s one aspect of women’s oppression that I hope we don’t lose. After all, being a woman is so hard, I think we deserve to be treated on dates, don’t you?

Anyway, it wasn’t that great. More of the same. He’s some kind of engineer or something, and he was kind of boring to talk to. Plus he has a little bit of acne, which is just gross, and he has no muscles. I like a guy with muscles. Some girls don’t, but I do.

So then pretty much the same thing happens the NEXT week – we went to another fancy place I wanted to try, it was boring, but he paid, so it was okay. And as he’s dropping me off at my place, he leans over. Well, I could tell he was about to kiss me, so I just smacked him across the face as hard as I could. Horrified, I was about ready to scream rape. He asked me what the fuck I was doing, or somethingl like that, and I was all “What the fuck are YOU doing?” And he gave me some crap about how it was the third date, so we should kiss.

Okay…WHAT???

What the fuck? He buys me dinner, so now I OWE him something? What, a woman can’t be treated to dinner by a man anymore without him thinking about sex? I never said I would be giving him anything in “exchange” for dinner. I don’t owe him anything. As a woman, I can do whatever I want.

What a fucktard.

Anyway, so that was the last I saw of that fucking asshole. I was feeling depressed because I always seem to go out with these asshole potential date rapists. So I went to this dumpy bar to see if I could meet somebody normal. Finally I met this really hot guy named Troy. Yep, that was his real name. We hit it off, and I actually went back to his place that night, atlhough it’s very unlike me. By the time we got there, I just couldn’t help myself. I practically jumped on him and we had some absolutely amazing sex, especially considering it was our first time.

So I kept meeting up with Troy a couple times a week for a month or so, and we’d have incredible sex. Actually, when I was on my period, we just sat around and smoked some pot, which was pretty cool. But that was only once or twice.

Anyway, last week I find out that Troy is also sleeping with this other girl. What the FUCK???

So the next time I went to his place, I smacked him across the face as hard as I could. I was practically screaming in his face, I was so mad. And I demanded to know what the fuck he thought he was doing cheating on me.

Well, get this…he said he wasn’t “cheating” on me because we weren’t “a couple.” So I said, “Hey asshole, I let you put your dick in me.” And he was all, “What, so now I owe you something?” And he went off about how neither of us ever said anything about being committed to each other, and it’s not like he owes me something just because I LET HIM PUT HIS DICK IN ME.

Then he said, well, he let me have some of his pot, and that was reallly expensive. No. Fucking. Way. I had had it at this point, so I pushed his TV on the floor and I threw a glass at him. I was going to kick him in the nuts before I left, but I was afraid he might hit me.

I just feel so used. I’m going to call the date rape center, because I think this counts.