The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism II

I consider it a duty for me to spread the faith of feminism everywhere I go.

Being a feminist has never been easier than it is today. In fact, the standards have become so low that simply kicking a man in the nuts is enough to qualify you as one!

And there are also plenty of cool things that you can do. One minute you can belittle men for masterminding history’s most violent wars and in the next minute you can praise Joan of Arc for being a kickass military leader.

Even better than that: if two feminists hold diametrically opposed and mutually exclusive views, both their opinions are still valid and correct!

Yes, our ideology truly requires you to be in a unique state of mind. And I got so many positive replies about the first installment of The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism that I decided to introduce a whole bunch more to help you avoid any nasty sensations of cognitive dissonance that might start to crop-up on your gleefully militant journey:

More Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism!

13. Women are just as good at everything as men are, except for things at which women are better.

14. We feminists are equal to men, and that gives us the elevated authority to pass judgment upon them.

15. If you’re not female then your opinion doesn’t count, you sexist bastard.

16. Any criticism of feminism is a form of Hate-Speech. A feminist’s own speech is allowed to be as hateful as she wants it to be.

17. If somebody has the temerity to criticize the behavior of feminists, you should dismissively sneer that they’re attacking “strawfeminists”– absurdist caricatures who don’t exist. Feel free to resume your usual attacks on strawpatriarchs every day of the week.

18. The only feminist you are officially allowed to criticize is Valerie Solanas. That’s because a feminist has to literally advocate the extermination of half the planet before the rest of us start to wonder if she’s got a screw loose.

19. You have 10,000 years of grudges to seek vengeance for in your single lifetime.

20. Collective guilt and collective punishment are anathema to a society which fulfills the feminist goal of treating people as individuals, which is why us feminists must constantly intimate the collective guilt of men and suggest that they need collective punishment.

21. You must demand that a father shoulder half of any effort to raise “his” children as you simultaneously demand that a mother be granted automatic sole custody of “her” children after divorce.

22. Whether or not you feel “offended” is the central principle to how the world should be re-organized.

23. A feminist must say “Patriarchy” at least ninety-seven times per hour. The ten millionth time you say “Patriarchy” you will trigger a shower of confetti and receive a fabulous prize.

24. As a feminist, you are opposed to the spread of stereotypes. But don’t let that stop you from constantly stereotyping men as being an over-privileged class of dimwitted exploiters who always get everything they want.

Yes, the Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism can go on and on like that endlessly! If you’d like to add any of your own in the next installment, go ahead and submit them.