The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism

Been away for a while and it’s good to be back.

It’s often been said that feminism is about equality. But it’s also been said very often that feminism is about choice. So which is it?

Well sometimes us feminists get so wrapped-up in our incessant self-celebration and self-congratulations that we forget which of the above statements is the one that we prefer. So I’d like to straighten a few things out here.

Feminism is about choice, and the first “choice” is what you want “equality” to mean.

That choice can be tough. Do you want “equality” to mean having your cake and eating it too, or do you want it to mean eating your cake and having it too?

Fortunately, the feminist kind of “choice” allows you to change the rules of “equality” depending on what you want at that particular instant or depending on what helps your friends and hurts your enemies. This kind of thing is pretty easy because “equality” sounds nice and it can mean anything you want it to mean.

For instance: Does “equality” mean that a lawbreaking female ought to be punished as harshly as a man who commits the same crime? Puke! That kind of equality is no fun so us feminists won’t work-up a sweat agitating for that.

But if it benefits you to claim that womyn are equally tough as men to function in the workplace, then womyn are equally tough as men. And if it benefits you to claim that womyn are weak and frail victims of Patriarchy who need special assistance to ensure “equality” in the workplace, then womyn are weak and frail. And if “equality” requires womyn to be favored openly, then playing favorites is needed for “equal treatment”

All this stuff suuure is convenient, isn’t it?

And don’t worry if you’re a bit confused by this. Being a feisty ass-kicking feminist is not very difficult at all because it frees you from the onerous burdens of honesty and intellectual consistency.

So to be a feminist, you don’t even have to be particularly intelligent nowadays as long as you parrot the appropriate slogans and understand a few simple rules: The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism!

1. Feminism requires you to talk about “equality” for both sexes but some sexes are more equal than others.

2. God could be a womyn, but the devil is most certainly a man.

3. We’re equal to men, and this makes us morally superior to them.

4. We are equally capable of doing anything a man can do and men can’t do anything right.

5. We must scorn behavior which is associated with stereotypical masculinity while whooping with praise when the same behavior is exhibited by womyn.

6. We must demand that womyn be allowed into military combat because we’re equally capable of smashing-in the faces of vicious terrorists. But we also laugh at the idea that a husband could be the victim of a wife’s physical abuse because everyone knows that women are never violent.

7. We seek to stop “violence against womyn” but girl-on-girl violence and lesbians who batter their partners don’t bother us quite as much.

8. We attack the gender-stereotypes that portray womyn negatively as we gleefully embrace the ones that portray womyn positively. It’s customary to invert this rule for “you-know-who”.

9. Helping womyn succeed is not nearly as satisfying as seeing men fail.

10. “Power” in the hands of men is always destructive, selfish, tyrannical and harmful. This same “Power” in the hands of womyn is always democratic, nurturing, honest, good for the environment and good for humanity.

11. Men of quality support womyn’s equality but womyn never have to do anything to prove that they are “of quality”.

12. Finally, us feminists are absolutely not anti-male and that’s why we rarely have any positive things to say about those penis-having bastards.

Sadly, I need to draw this list to a close today. In the future I’ll list more Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism because there are always PLENTY MORE like the ones above!

The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism II

I consider it a duty for me to spread the faith of feminism everywhere I go.

Being a feminist has never been easier than it is today. In fact, the standards have become so low that simply kicking a man in the nuts is enough to qualify you as one!

And there are also plenty of cool things that you can do. One minute you can belittle men for masterminding history’s most violent wars and in the next minute you can praise Joan of Arc for being a kickass military leader.

Even better than that: if two feminists hold diametrically opposed and mutually exclusive views, both their opinions are still valid and correct!

Yes, our ideology truly requires you to be in a unique state of mind. And I got so many positive replies about the first installment of The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism that I decided to introduce a whole bunch more to help you avoid any nasty sensations of cognitive dissonance that might start to crop-up on your gleefully militant journey:

More Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism!

13. Women are just as good at everything as men are, except for things at which women are better.

14. We feminists are equal to men, and that gives us the elevated authority to pass judgment upon them.

15. If you’re not female then your opinion doesn’t count, you sexist bastard.

16. Any criticism of feminism is a form of Hate-Speech. A feminist’s own speech is allowed to be as hateful as she wants it to be.

17. If somebody has the temerity to criticize the behavior of feminists, you should dismissively sneer that they’re attacking “strawfeminists”– absurdist caricatures who don’t exist. Feel free to resume your usual attacks on strawpatriarchs every day of the week.

18. The only feminist you are officially allowed to criticize is Valerie Solanas. That’s because a feminist has to literally advocate the extermination of half the planet before the rest of us start to wonder if she’s got a screw loose.

19. You have 10,000 years of grudges to seek vengeance for in your single lifetime.

20. Collective guilt and collective punishment are anathema to a society which fulfills the feminist goal of treating people as individuals, which is why us feminists must constantly intimate the collective guilt of men and suggest that they need collective punishment.

21. You must demand that a father shoulder half of any effort to raise “his” children as you simultaneously demand that a mother be granted automatic sole custody of “her” children after divorce.

22. Whether or not you feel “offended” is the central principle to how the world should be re-organized.

23. A feminist must say “Patriarchy” at least ninety-seven times per hour. The ten millionth time you say “Patriarchy” you will trigger a shower of confetti and receive a fabulous prize.

24. As a feminist, you are opposed to the spread of stereotypes. But don’t let that stop you from constantly stereotyping men as being an over-privileged class of dimwitted exploiters who always get everything they want.

Yes, the Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism can go on and on like that endlessly! If you’d like to add any of your own in the next installment, go ahead and submit them.

Possible Sweet Pink Rule

I haven’t decided if this should be added to the official Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism, but it’s fair enough to deserve consideration:

A womyn would never lie about being raped. But when a womyn admits making a false rape accusation, then she’s lying that she lied.

The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism III

We feminists represent the voice of all women everywhere.

To some folks, the above statement might appear to be supremely puffed-up and arrogant.

Those folks are complete assholes. Just ignore them.

It is very true that we are self-appointed spokespersons and that nobody actually voted for us to speak for all women. But that’s perfectly OK since most women are too brainwashed and childlike to know what’s in their best interests anyway. We feminists just have better ways of knowing that stuff.

That’s where The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism I and The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism II come in!

These are the hallowed sources of wisdom for every 21st-century grrrl who demands equality and freedom while reserving the right to play Angry Lil’ Victim when things don’t work out.

One fortuitous thing is that we feminists never need to bother with any of the zillion paradoxes within our circular, non-empirical ideology. That’s because our belief system can become a fantabulous occult force which saturates the world around us like cinnamon-magic. It answers every question without ever explaining anything.

For instance, feminism is what allows us to think that a book like Whores and Other Feminists which praises porn stars for their “liberation” does NOT contradict a book like The Beauty Myth, which argues that sexual images are oppressive. We feminists can consider both books to be completely true despite their supposed “mutually incompatible theses”.

If somebody asks too many questions about this, we simply retort “There are MANY feminisms” so all contradictions get safely hidden beneath smiley-face “Grrl Power” stickers.

And we never run-out of stickers, baby!

So I invite you to turn-off those Patriarchal “critical thinking” skills and enjoy the latest installment of The Sweet Pink Rules of Feminism:

25. Ovaries good, testicles bad.

26. We believe every woman should have unrestricted access to any kind of abortion, no questions asked. We also believe that abortion should be tightly restricted in China to prevent millions of potential girls from being robbed of their lives.

27. If the Chinese were to abort only boys, that’d be so cool.

28. We feminists must demand aristocratic levels of deference while never behaving with aristocratic levels of gentility.

29. We must grouse continuously about traditionalist expectations of women while we conveniently forget to pay half the check on our dinner-dates.

30. Men avoid us because we’re too gosh-darned smart.

31. If a man works 60 hours a week to support a wife who cooks and cleans, the man is a lazy shit who exploits his wife.

32. If a woman works 60 hours a week to support a husband who cooks and cleans, the man is a lazy shit who exploits his wife.

33. If the majority of women do not call themselves feminists, the root problem lies with the majority of women and not with feminism.

34. We demand respect for all women and their diversity. That is why we dismiss, infantilize, mock or denigrate stay-at-home moms, traditionalist women, pro-life women, Republican women, Catholic women, Protestant women, Mormon women, Orthodox Jewish women, Muslim women who don’t object to hijab standards, Hindu women who don’t object to dowries, women who care about their weight, women who wear cosmetics, female researchers who study innate behavioral sex-differences, women who look forward to marriage, women who warn about giving birth after the age of 40, sorority sisters, cheerleaders, girls who like playing with dolls and any other woman who doesn’t slavishly dance to our tune. Except for them, we demand respect for ALL women and their diversity!

35. Falsely accusing a man of rape is a great way of raising his consciousness.

36. If a teacher were to beat black boys more than white boys, we’d excoriate him for hateful discrimination. If the same teacher beat only boys, that’d be fine.

So go forth my systyrs and continue the war against the men in our lives. The fathers, husbands, and sons who love and support us– all of those bastards must pay!

As always, you are welcome to submit your own Sweet Pink Rule for the next installment.